Curse of the 'Flu
by grimdreamer
Summary: Kaoru wants Hikaru to end up with Haruhi.  Kyouya wants Tamaki to end up with Haruhi.  But will their efforts lead to Kaoru and Kyouya ending up together?  Kaoru/Kyouya.  Kaoru/Renge.  Tamaki/Haruhi.  Hikaru/Haruhi.   Published for sentimental value.
1. Chapter 1: Curse of the 'Flu

**AUTHOR'S NOTE:** This story was originally published under the _nom du plume_ of "Val Kyrie" and finds itself reproduced in an effort to cheer some people up. Please note that my sense of humour back then (circa 2006) was quite concise and possibly very British. I have not amended the content, though I am in the process of re-formatting the chapters. Thanks for your smiles in advance.

* * *

**CHAPTER**** I:****"Curse of the 'Flu"**

From a distance it seemed that the hand of Kyouya was casting spells on the notebook in front of him. So precise and systematic were its movements from left to right, from up to down, that no person other than Haruhi, due to her unique vantage point opposite, could have correctly guessed what the vice-president was doing. However, in the imagination of Tamaki, who should have known the habits of his classmate more intimately than this, Kyouya appeared to be in a great and silent wrath that quietly spent itself on cursing those around him. Only Tamaki could misconstrue such a basic chore (the crossing out of invalid engagements and obsolete expenditures) as a consequence of his tragic experience with Nekozawa's puppet; and though the truth of the matter came out with a simple glance over Kyouya's shoulder, Tamaki preferred to exorcise the demon by inviting it in and letting it get the better of him.

A pause later and Kyouya's eyes rested on the sulking blond, then on the floors and walls draped in the abnormal shadows of his inner mood: like moths to a flame, customers of the Host Club were drawn to its darkness, asking what was wrong and whether there was anything they could do to help alleviate his doubts…?

Slowly, Kyouya smiled. `I would give me those back,' he said, `if I were you.'

`I'm just looking,' said Hikaru, nonchalantly flicking through the notebook before holding it out, and just as Kyouya reached for it, withheld the item and asked him slyly, `But are you sure that I'm Hikaru?'

Kyouya studied the twin for a second. `Notebook,' he said, `now.'

`Boring!' said Hikaru (or was it Kaoru?), and returned the notebook without further delay.

Haruhi, a witness to such rare interaction, sipped her cup of tea and sighed.

`What's wrong, Haruhi?'

`Just a good cup of tea,' she replied, bringing a deep flush to her client's face and effectively putting the girl in a coma. As the girl tried to recover, Haruhi watched Kyouya methodically checking his notebook and could tell that the absence of half the school was beginning to grate on his nerves.

Like every school in Japan, Ouran was having its own case of the 'flu; and contrary to popular belief, everyone was susceptible, regardless of income. Even though the illness was not mortally contagious, parents were quick to withdraw their children and have them study at home instead - drastic, some would say, but that was the insensitivity of commoners for you.

Thus, fewer and fewer customers were coming to the Host Club; a trend that was reducing the club's output by over 1000% (according to calculations), which meant less for each host to do and far less to enter the treasury and even less for the vice-president to manage in the columns of his notebook – this just couldn't _be!_

Haruhi's neck creaked away and watched Hikaru return to Kaoru across the room, where they resumed the "brotherly love" act that made the both of them so famous. Whilst reclined on the divan in front of a client, Hikaru took Kaoru by the chin and murmured sweet nothings into Kaoru's ear. Yet the loving grip of Hikaru seemed especially delicate this afternoon and the warmth of Kaoru's face too genuine.

`Are you feeling okay, Haruhi?' said her client, worried by her vacant stare. `I hope you aren't falling ill; it's terrible getting the 'flu.'

`Yes,' agreed Haruhi, and soon advised the girl to go home, were she to catch the 'flu herself.

Had a different host uttered these words, the girl may have suspected him of trying to get rid of her, but Haruhi's expression was so tender and sincere that the girl suspected nothing and actually did the Host Club a favour: she stood, and one by one, as if psychically linked, the other clients followed suit and wished each of their hosts a unwilling "good-bye".

`Well,' said Tamaki, dusting his hands, `that went splendid.'

`Though you did nothing,' said Kyouya.

_Tamaki sulked in_ _a_ _corner._

`Designation rates are at an all-time low,' he continued, referring to his notebook, `so tomorrow we'll have to work over-time in order to make it up.' He smiled specifically at Haruhi and Tamaki - both cringed at the prospect.

`I hope Mori's well,' said Hunny, cutting a lonely figure now that his silent guardian was ill at home, as he had been for the past few days.

Tamaki proffered a slice of cake.

`I hope Kaoru is, too,' they heard Hikaru murmur above of the joyous "thanks" emanating from Hunny. They examined Kaoru, who lay against the divan, head resting heavily on one of its arms. His eyes, usually alert, were drooping with fever, while his face still retained the shade of a blush. When Tamaki knelt beside the divan and placed a palm on Kaoru's forehead, it came away fast, as if it had been burned. Turning to Hikaru, Tamaki questioned why Kaoru had even come and why he had not sensibly stayed at home?

_Trees sway in the breeze: Tamaki in a corner._

Hikaru squeezed his brother's hand. `Come on, Kaoru,' he urged gently. `We're going home now. No more hosting for you.'

`Is a car coming to pick you up?' asked Haruhi.

Hikaru nodded, his eyes fixed on his brother. `Can you walk? I'll carry you down…'

`I'll walk,' mumbled Kaoru, though he could do no such thing. With the help of Tamaki, Hikaru managed to bring him beyond the music room and down the grand staircase. Corridors and stairs that were previously facile and pleasant became Kaoru's worst journey ever: the colour of the carpets and the endless flights tortured him, and as soon as he stepped outside, he trembled and broke free of Hikaru and Tamaki.

He threw up on the pavement.

Close behind were Hunny, Haruhi and Kyouya. Unheeded, they discussed what was to become of the Host Club for the remainder of the week. Hunny favoured the idea of suspension, as suggested by Haruhi and pondered silently by Kyouya. With Mori and Kaoru ill, it seemed less and less likely that Hunny and Hikaru would keep on attending the club. So far Hunny had been very benevolent (effectively bribed by Tamaki with cake), whereas Hikaru, still dependent on Kaoru, would definitely stay at home since "brotherly love" didn't quite work with only one twin available.

`I guess we have no choice,' said Kyouya at last, erasing yet another list of would-be arrangements. `We should close the club for two weeks, Tamaki. That's the best thing to do.'

The president sidled over, a fan in his hand and looking faintly perturbed. Just to the right, Hikaru had a fan of his own and cooled his brother as he listened.

`Adjourned,' said Tamaki. `And while we are thus, I suggest we all study at home instead of sacrificing ourselves to the scourge of these germs!'

`Good idea!' squeaked Usa-chan.

Kyouya straightened his glasses. `I'll be in touch.' Then he said kindly to the twins `take care' and went his separate way.

`Come along, Haruhi,' said Tamaki, herding his innocent daughter away and interrupting her personal thoughts.

`But Kaoru and Hikaru…' she said.

`Don't worry, Haru-chan,' Hunny reassured her with a cute and wide smile. `Hikaru will take care of Kaoru - you'll see!'

`Yes,' said Haruhi, giving the twins one more glance and then focusing on Tamaki.

She coughed.

_Dolphins and whales._

`No! Haruhi, are you ill? Have you fallen ill, Haruhi?' exclaimed Tamaki, ill himself with an immediate image of nursing Haruhi back to good health via gallons of leek soup and loads of hot baths and a peacock's worth of fans when the temperature of the bath happens to grow too hot… hot… _too hot…!_

Usa-chan waved a paw.

Tamaki's face twitched. `I'm going this way now,' he pointed.

Hunny and Haruhi cocked their heads, perplexed; nevertheless, Tamaki marched bravely on into the maze.

`And I have to go this way,' beamed Hunny, meaning out of the school gates and into the open doors of a white limousine. `See you, Haru-chan! Take care of your health!'

`See you! Give my best to Mori!' And as the limo pulled away, she sighed - damned rich people! She had to walk to the train station now…

Oh well.

And off she would have gone, were it not for the sight of Hikaru still fussing over Kaoru on a bench. The car that pulled up for them was a silver Mercedes Benz - no less impressive than the limo belonging to Hunny - and the chauffeur, knowledgeable of the delay, popped out and removed a stretcher from the boot and went to assist Hikaru. They placed Kaoru on the stretcher in a clean and efficient manner, trotted to the Mercedes and tipped him in. With the stretcher back in the boot and the chauffeur revving the engines, Hikaru climbed into the car, though not before he caught Haruhi watching by the gate.

Hikaru forced a smile.

Haruhi smiled back and carried on walking.


	2. Chapter 2: It Takes Two To Tango

**CHAPTER II: ****"It Takes Two to Tango"**

Two weeks of studying did not suit certain members of the Host Club. On the afternoon Tamaki suspended the club, Mori recovered from his bout of 'flu and unknowingly passed it to Hunny, who only came to his house to deliver Haruhi's blessings. Guilty, Mori set about nursing his friend and soon forgot about hosting altogether.

Hmm.

Meanwhile, Tamaki, effortlessly a good student and unaccustomed to having nothing to do, contacted Kyouya and Haruhi on a regular basis - on average, five times a day. Sometimes he would ask Kyouya if they could have the Host Club in a different setting, like at one of their houses or perhaps in some respectable restaurant, but Kyouya seemed to be disinterested. Tamaki pleaded with Haruhi (`Mom won't listen to Dad! Make Mom listen to Dad!'); but she also refused, preferring her mountain of homework and numerous textbooks.

Tamaki dripped like ice-cream in the sun.

_Nobody wanted_ _fun! It wasn't fair!_

He considered the twins. They were always up for a laugh, except they never liked to be apart for more than an hour… Tamaki frowned, trying to read the latest graffiti on his walkie-talkie portraits. He was looking at the one of the twins. Did that read "idiot" in the Osaka dialect…? And since when were those two allowed in his study?

_Mystery._

He recalled his conversation with Haruhi. They had spoken a few minutes ago and she was just as puzzled as he was about that afternoon. Being the expert, she was able to differentiate between the twins and asked Tamaki (as he bemoaned his boring fate) why Kaoru had been so anxious to disguise himself. It was Hikaru, not Kaoru, who had been ill on that day and Haruhi knew because latter would never have dared to annoy Kyouya, his sense of humour too brash and overt to get away with it - so why? What was the reason?

`Maybe,' Tamaki had mused, `it was Hikaru's idea. After all, if Hikaru tried to act the part of the dominant twin whilst he was ill, that would have made it too easy for clients to guess which twin is which.'

`I suppose,' conceded Haruhi, impressed by this conjecture. `Now stop calling me - I'm trying to study!'

Tamaki dripped like ice-cream.

_Nobody wanted_ _fun. It wasn't fair._

He voice-dialled the twins and received Kaoru (or was it Hikaru?) on the line.

`How's Hikaru?'

A pause.

`He's fine.'

`I was wondering if you wanted to do something later…?'

`Like what, milord?'

`You know… stuff.'

`Well, I think I'm coming down with (achoo!) a bit of the 'flu myself, milord…'

A gasp.

`Must it consume us _all?'_

_

* * *

_

Now let us leave Tamaki to drip like ice-cream and follow the paths of Hikaru and Kaoru. The room we enter now shows one of them lying in bed while the other turns off his mobile and resumes reading a book. This room is the twins' bedroom, a place comfortably the size of a tennis-court and lately divided into two sections: the left belonging to Kaoru and the right belonging to Hikaru.

Unknown to the Host Club, they had been deeply unsettled by Haruhi and could not recognise themselves as the twins they once were. Hikaru had repelled the idea of being the older half of a set and proceeded to dye his hair a vivid flamingo pink, only to pass it off as part of the act; Haruhi's words reminded him too well of what was expected of an older brother and he acknowledged properly - probably for the first time - how readily he took advantage of being an identical twin. He was not as calm and diligent as Kaoru and he usually led his sibling into trouble. And Kaoru knew this, like Kaoru knew so many other things…

He studied his twin. He cherished every contour of that wonderful face. Right now it was creased in concentration as the pale brown eyes wandered up and down, deciphering so deftly the difficult kanji and turns of phrase that characterised ancient Japanese literature. Kaoru was talented in that area; though he failed at the more logical disciplines, science and maths.

Hikaru smiled at Kaoru's enquiring gaze. `You should go and see Tamaki,' he said. `It's boring being here with an invalid.'

Kaoru placed his hand over Hikaru's. He did not smile or respond for some minutes. He was thinking of seeing Haruhi and perhaps persuading her to come and visit their house. Haruhi had never been to their house, had she, and it would cheer Hikaru up to no end…

`I could never be bored with you,' Kaoru said, squeezing his brother's hand.

Hikaru turned away and coughed; he missed the momentary sadness in Kaoru's eyes. `Go and see Tamaki,' said Hikaru, `and don't come back until you've had some fun!'

`If you insist,' smiled Kaoru, and promised to return in a couple of hours.


	3. Chapter 3: Into The Common Wilderness

**CHAPTER III: "Into the Common Wilderness"**

The journey to Haruhi's house would take roughly thirty minutes by car - even less on a world-class motorcycle. But Kaoru remembered the dismay this had caused Haruhi and tactfully chose to catch the train. For Tamaki, perhaps, the train would have made a great adventure, and maybe for Hunny and Mori as well, yet the twins had been on public transport before - once on a journey to the airport when the family shuttle had broken down.

The experience was not as interesting as both had supposed either, despite their being the centre of attention. In the carriage they occupied, they were easily the best-looking guys there and nearly pissed themselves laughing at the looks on people's faces:

`Kaoru, are you travel-sick?'

`Not at all, Hikaru… I'm just tired, I think…'

`But Kaoru, you look so ill… Here, rest your head on me like this…'

`Mmm… your chest feels so nice and warm… Will you let me sleep here, Hikaru?'

`There, there, little brother… Sleep for as long as you like…'

`Oh Hikaru, you're so kind…'

`Shh, Kaoru… I know…'

Kaoru stifled a laugh, which resembled a hiccup to fellow passengers. _Those were the days!_ He alighted at the next station, noting, as he stepped out of the carriage and into the sea of commuters flooding the platform, how many a female stare lingered on his disappearing figure. Most were from school girls on some class trip or something. Others were from old ladies charmed by the freshness of youth and, surprisingly, a few from the odd businessman pretending to read his newspaper.

Sometimes that happened.

Now where was Haruhi's apartment again? Oh yes, now he remembered. He had to walk across a foot bridge, take two lefts, and then two rights, and then there he would be outside a four-storey condominium with the Fujioka residence on the second floor - simple.

Or was it?

Kaoru emerged from the exit, eyes hurting in the sun. He marvelled at how different his surroundings were and stood for some time gazing intently at the scruffy buildings that dared to dream they were skyscrapers. Commoners were everywhere too, dressed to a standard non-existent in his mother's imagination. Kaoru smiled; compared to these people, Haruhi had style.

`Excuse me, young man, but are you by any chance lost?'

Kaoru raised his brows at the old biddy beside him. She had with her a little dog on a short leash. He smiled carefully. He wasn't lost, just appreciating the view. He presented Haruhi's address.

`Come with me, young man, I'll show you the way,' the old biddy chuckled, taking him by the hand like she would a small child. `I used to know a man who lived there a long, long time ago and he was very, very handsome…'

And the old biddy confided a lot, lot more as she dragged the "young man" through the streets that converged on Haruhi's apartment. In her earnest stroll down Memory Lane she forgot that Kaoru was a person and that people lacked the resilience to bump and bounce through traffic as skilfully as her little dog. By the time a foot bridge, two lefts and two rights were accomplished, Kaoru no longer felt the same person he was this morning.

`Give my regards to your special, special friend,' said the old biddy, waving "bye-bye" with the hand that held the dog leash.

Kaoru raggedly waved back and watched the old biddy go, feeling distinctly sorry for the poor little dog. Then he faced Haruhi's condominium and trudged up the stairs to the second floor. Recollecting commoner protocol, he refrained from peering into any windows he passed along the way and made it to the Fujioka residence, manners intact. Automatically, his hand reached up for the knocker, but there was no knocker, just a grubby doorbell, tsk tsk!

Kaoru pressed it. He heard nothing. Was the doorbell broken? He pressed it again. Movement on the other side. The door unlocked. Then outwards it swung, nearly hitting him in the face.

`Yes?' said Kyouya.

_Snowballs pelt Kaoru._

`Er…' said he.

`Hmm,' said Kyouya.

`So who's at the door, darling?' called the voice of Mr Fujioka - or "Ranka", as he preferred.

`Salesman,' said Kyouya, and shut the door.

`Ha?' said Kaoru, confused.

Again, the door opened and this time it was Haruhi. She could not match Kaoru's expression, no matter how hard she tried, so she invited him in as means of consolation. As Kaoru removed his shoes, Haruhi asked what had brought him to her (very) humble home. Kaoru replied that he had come on behalf of (`You can't fool me…') Hikaru, who was too poorly to move from his bed to come and see Haruhi personally.

`Oh…?' interrupted Ranka, dressed in a female three-piece suit and munching on a bowl of rice. He was stood in the kitchen, about to go to work.

`We would like to invite you to our house…'

Ranka's eyes lit up. `Oh thank you, sweet boy, what an honour-'

`…Haruhi,' finished Kaoru.

_Ranka ate his bowl of rice on an island._

`When would it be good to come over?'

`Maybe not today, but tomorrow would be good.'

`Sounds great.'

A bowl was slowly placed in the sink and a jacket slipped on. `Well, kids,' said the gloomy tone of Ranka, `I shall be going now…'

Everyone wished him a good day at work and Kaoru, feeling guilty, assured Haruhi that she could bring her father to the house; Haruhi's mouth impersonated a sausage.

`I thought you were ill,' remarked Kyouya from the living room; where he sat cross-legged in front of the coffee table.

`I was…'

`So I see.'

_Lava drowns Kaoru._

`Tea?' offered Haruhi.


	4. Chapter 4: The Silent Treatment

**CHAPTER IV: "The Silent****Treatment"**

The atmosphere in the Fujioka living room had almost been too much to bear. As he accepted a cup of tea and seated himself next to - no, beside - no, opposite - no, somewhere away from Kyouya, Kaoru had the distinct impression that the vice-president was apparently displeased with something either he or Hikaru (though most probably he) had done. What this something was remained a stubborn mystery, and though Kaoru would hint to Haruhi from the corner of his eye, she hadn't the foggiest idea as to what it might be: from her perspective, Kyouya just seemed at a loss, not having the club to run anymore; and from Kaoru's perspective, it seemed that finding Kyouya with Haruhi was not an association he wished others to know about.

Kaoru smiled. He could so make something out of this, but the idea only saddened him. `I better go now,' he said. `Thanks for the tea.'

`Feel free to come again,' said Haruhi.

_Butterflies._

Kyouya stood. `Give my love to Ranka.'

_Burning butterflies._

`I will,' said Haruhi, and the moment they were gone, wondered what Kaoru had done to irritate the Shadow King…?

And Kaoru wondered the same thing as they walked back to the train station, neither speaking a friendly word. Commoners that passed them by assumed they were strangers travelling in a coincidental direction, while a group of girls, struck by the masculine contrast, giggled and whispered silly theories to each other.

Kaoru swallowed, uncomfortable. This couldn't be down to teasing Kyouya about his notebook. Everyone knew he and Hikaru teased people all the time, so Kaoru couldn't understand it. What was Kyouya's problem? Why was he taking it out on Kaoru Hitachiin for?

`You're wondering why I'm in such a bad mood with you, aren't you?'

_Wind slap._

`N-not really.'

`You are.'

`…Alright, I am.'

`Why did you invite Haruhi?'

Kaoru blinked; his eyes became sly. `What's it to you?'

`Do you want her to get ill?'

They stopped under a streetlight. The glare emphasised the worry on Kaoru's face. `I was thinking about Hikaru,' he said. `I hadn't thought of it that way…'

`How is Hikaru?'

`He's fine; just bored.'

`Quite like Tamaki.'

`…I'm sorry we had to get ill.'

Kyouya smiled. `No matter.'

They resumed their walk. At the train station, Kaoru asked if he would be okay; Kyouya nodded, assuring him he'd be fine. When they parted, Kaoru feeding his ticket to the barrier and Kyouya checking his phone, one looked up as the other looked away.

* * *

`Hello Hikaru, how was your day?'

`Fine, dad.'

`You look tired. You should get some more sleep.'

`I will, dad.'

`Don't forget to say "hi" to your mother. She says she hasn't seen you all day.'

`I'll stop by her room.'

`Oh, Hikaru! I was just wondering where you were! How was your day?'

`It was fine.'

`I just checked on your brother, but he's fast asleep now. He looks so adorable - just like _you!'_

Kaoru suffered to be kissed. `Right, mum,' he mumbled, dodging her embrace. She smiled fondly as he ascended the stairs. `Dinner at seven, Hikaru!' He raised an acknowledging hand, smiling.

Parents. What idiots.

`In a bad mood?' asked Hikaru.

Kaoru looked his brother up then down. `No,' he answered, `and you're supposed to be in bed.'

Hikaru whistled, coughed, and continued his whistle. He shuffled after Kaoru, muffled from head to toe in a duvet and slipped twice on the corridor. By the time he reached their bedroom, he had slipped no less than six times. `I'm feeling better, by the way,' he said.

`I'm glad.'

`What's up?'

`Nothing at all.'

Hikaru returned to his bed. The medicine he drank was beginning to work its wonders. He closed his eyes. Was Kaoru catching the 'flu? He drifted to sleep…

`I went to Haruhi's today.'

_Cold bath._

`What! You went to _Haruhi's?'_

`Kyouya was there.'

`Seeing Ranka again, hmm?'

`Don't know.'

`How was Haruhi, anyway? Was she doing okay?'

`Yeah, she's studying hard.'

`So why the long face? As long as she's not ill…'

`I never said she was ill!'

Hikaru was fully awake now. `Kaoru,' he said. His twin came over. `What's wrong? What happened?' Hands touched Kaoru's face and drew it inwards. `What's the matter?' Arms encircled Hikaru's neck. A mumbled reply. `I don't mind,' said Hikaru. Kaoru let go. He went away. Hikaru lay back down, frowning.


	5. Chapter 5: Fall of the Onigiri

**CHAPTER ****V: "Fall of the Onigiri"**

And then he was gone, leaving his twin to the capable hands of Haruhi. He was confident Hikaru would take better care of her, especially since his feelings had grown - yet what made Kaoru hesitate as he walked away? His love for Hikaru was far greater than the love he had for anyone else, and yet, here he was, entrusting Hikaru to another. Should Kaoru have felt jealous about that, perhaps even to the lengths that Hikaru had when they discovered Haruhi still kept in touch with old friends? But Kaoru had never been the jealous type; he found himself welcoming more and more people into their world…

And he felt guilty about this. He was not abandoning his twin. He was trying to help his twin. He wanted his twin to be happy… and so occupied was he in these thoughts that he missed Tamaki leaning casually against a wall, looking his very cool and enticing best.

`You're late, Kaoru!' Tamaki scolded him. `You're so late that I had to enter the convenience store and browse the interior for fifteen minutes! And when my browsing became suspicious to all who worked there,' (insert Tamaki staring at the top shelf of the magazine section) `I was forced to purchase these - these _things!'_

He thrust out a bag full of onigiri, each labelled in various colours. Kaoru took one out and examined it closely.

`Onigiri? My mother makes these; they're nothing special.'

_Tamaki sinks into a hole._

`Well, I've never had them… I've never had them in my life…' Kaoru held out an onigiri. `They have to be unwrapped first.' The onigiri was unwrapped and then stuck gracefully into Tamaki's mouth.

Kaoru gave Tamaki a pat on the head. `Good boy,' he said.

A commoner walked past.

_Woof!_

`So what is it that we're doing again?'

`I don't know. This was your idea.'

`Actually, it was yours.'

`Afternoon, gentlemen.'

`Kyouya!' cried Tamaki. `Look at what we bought!'

`We?' said Kaoru.

`Here! Have one! Have two! Have three! _Have another!'_

Kyouya now embraced an onigiri collection. `I've had these things before,' he said. `They're nothing special.'

_Arrow strikes Tamaki._

`You're no fun…'

`So is Haruhi at your house?'

`Who is at what house?'

Kaoru groaned - it was meant to be a secret! Tamaki had no idea how close he was to winning Haruhi's affection. This meeting was supposed to give Hikaru a chance. Now Kyouya was stepping in and Kaoru did not wish to fight with Kyouya…

Tamaki tapped a fist to his palm. `I understand!' He became starry-eyed with a portrait of Haruhi dressed as a harp-plucking angel.

Kyouya blinked.

Kaoru sighed.

Did Tamaki have the 'flu?

Tamaki coughed, embarrassed. `Well, on to our next agenda: the state of the Host Club. It may have been sensible to suspend all activity until everyone is well, but that does not mean we strong and healthy ones should just sit around not planning ahead. I realise that the absence of any host from the club results in less designations and therefore less money entering the club funds…'

Kaoru noticed the cue cards; Kyouya smiled encouragingly.

`…so what I propose to do, with the aid of members hereby present, is to create a new type of host!' He pointed at Kaoru. `You and I know that when one twin is down, the whole brotherly love act is down, _but_ _no more!'_

`Sorry?' said Kaoru.

`When one of you is ill, you've got to host alone - understand?'

`But-'

`And you,' said Tamaki, pointing at Kyouya, `you shall host in the absence of others! You shall do - You shall host -' Tamaki faltered. `Kyouya, I can't read your handwriting.'

`It says that I should team up with another host, if working alone doesn't help.'

`Ah yes!' Tamaki pointed at Kaoru again. `Exactly!'

`Ha?'

`I pronounce you man and wife!'

_Onigiri avalanche._

`What!'

`Partners,' translated Tamaki, `you and Kyouya.'

`Yeah, I got _that_ part!' snapped Kaoru. `But what do you mean by `man and wife'? I'm not marrying Kyouya!'

`You could, if we went to Europe,' said Tamaki, folding his arms and thinking… thinking… thinking about marrying Haruhi in Europe…

`Oi!' yelled Kaoru, destroying the Tamaki Mind Theatre.

A commoner walked past.

Tamaki coughed. `Meeting adjourned! No more questions! No more discussions!'

`But you can't do this!'

Kyouya smiled. `I think he just did.'


	6. Chapter 6: The Rehearsal

**CHAPTER****V I: "The Rehearsal"**

Hikaru tried to be supportive - he wanted to be supportive - but if he didn't escape from this duvet soon, he would definitely die from asphyxiation! Sure, he thought, aching to explode, hosting alone would be a blow because neither he nor his brother had ever hosted alone; yet the idea of Kaoru behaving like - being the wife of - hosting with Kyouya as - was just too - too - was just too -

_Birds flee neighbouring_ _trees._

`Finished?' said Kaoru.

Hikaru's shoulders shook a trifle longer. `When are you - when are you meant to practice your - your routine, then?' His shoulders started shaking again; his brother looked blank.

`Tomorrow morning,' said Kaoru.

`Oh _yeah…?'_

A few pillows were thrown.

`So how was your date with Haruhi?'

The pillows were thrown back. `It was okay.'

_`Just_ okay?'

_Picture Haruhi knocking at the bedroom door._

_Picture Haruhi coming in and_ _saying…_

Kaoru flicked Hikaru's nose.

`Maybe more than okay,' answered Hikaru, smiling shyly.

`I'm happy to hear that…'

`Are you?'

Kaoru glanced up. `What do you mean?'

* * *

The Man-and-Wife Routine; proposed by Tamaki Suoh; yesterday afternoon; two-thousand-and-zero-something; Kyouya as Man; Kaoru as Wife; Tamaki as Priest.

`Why do _you_ get to be Priest?'

`Because I'm the President of the Host Club.'

`I don't think that's a reason.'

`You know, Kaoru, you're beginning to sound more and more like your brother. At this rate, you never know: _one day_, we may all cease to tell the difference and _then_ where would you find yourself?'

`…what exactly is this idiot saying?'

`Tamaki, just sit down and watch.'

`Yes Mom…'

`Now you remember what we rehearsed?'

Kaoru nodded. `I remember.'

_Three._

_Two._

_One._

`Sweetheart, I'm home.'

Kyouya wore the suit of a businessman, easy to obtain from his personal wardrobe. The suit consisted of a black jacket and crisply pressed trousers with a dark metallic tie.

`How was your day?'

Kaoru's outfit belonged to his mother and was borrowed from her unreleased summer collection, silk tank top with frills (like the bathing suit for Haruhi) and a linen skirt - both light green to set off his hair.

`It was interesting…' Kaoru entered Kyouya's embrace, leaning head on chest. `Though not as interesting as you,' murmured Kyouya, stroking Kaoru's BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP Tamaki wades through letters and waves aside question marks.

`CUT! Cut, cut, cut, cut, _CUT!'_

_`What?'_ said Kaoru; annoyed.

`That was PERFECT!'

`Good,' said Kyouya, releasing Kaoru, `because I'm not doing that again.'

`You will! _You shall!'_

_Kaoru-shaped hole in the universe._

`I want my clothes back.'

Tamaki wagged his finger at Kaoru's upturned palm. `You were stupendous,' he insisted in a scary, gleeful voice, _`STUPENDOUS.'_

`Clothes, please,' repeated Kaoru, `_right now.'_

`But you're still wearing them…'

`These clothes are a _costume_. Now where are my clothes? _Where did you put_ _my clothes?'_

Tick tock.

Tick tock.

Tick tock.

Tick.

`Mom, have you seen her clothes?'

* * *

His clothes do not show up. So angry is Kaoru that offers of help from both Tamaki and Kyouya result in him storming out of the Suoh mansion - dressed like a woman. His wallet is missing. His mobile is absent. He kicks pebbles all the way down the expensively laid drive. Servants, who see him so incensed, endeavour to stay out of her way; though not before an extract of her utter rage is heard in between the impact of pebbles:

`…cannot believe this… do _not_ believe this… stranded in the middle of nowhere with no money, _no_ _contacts_… just like that time we went to the commoner's department store… except it was Kyouya, not-'

The mere _mention_ of the bastard!

`…certainly the VICE-president… _bet_ he's enjoying this… why has he got it in for me all of a sudden… why… _why?'_

A car is coming. Kaoru has seen this done in a film. According to Tamaki, commoners favour the outstretched arm and upright thumb as a means of gaining transport when abandoned hundreds of miles from civilisation. However, there is no way that Kaoru will heed such advice after what Tamaki and Kyouya have done, there is absolutely no-

`Looking for a ride?'

Kaoru blinks at the driver, whose window is wound down as he smokes a cigarette and looks expectant. Slivers of smoke snake their flimsy roots up into the cloudy sky. It looks like it's going to rain.

A quick survey of the driver and his vehicle tell Kaoru two things: both are poor and both are also the lone example of human compassion and generosity travelling down this unfrequented stretch of road - and it's going to rain.

Kaoru smiles sweetly. `How did you know?' The sky rumbles, as if impatient. Could Kaoru really afford to wait? He smiles again and accepts. Fifteen minutes, he thinks: that is all - what is fifteen minutes in the car of a commoner?


	7. Chapter 7: Anger in the Nighttime

**CHAPTER****V II: "Anger in the Night-time"**

Kaoru was different this evening. He said he felt ill and would like to sleep straight away. So Hikaru stepped aside and let his twin have access to the en suite bathroom. A moment later, a musical din was heard - the sound of Kaoru having a shower. Hikaru listened. Soft clouds of sound bloomed upwards and outwards through the misty heat, bouncing and breaking gently in the shifting air. The shower had been designed to play acoustics using techniques discovered in India - some exclusive to the Taj Mahal - to distract the twins as they washed and changed. "Extravagant", commoners would say, but since when did the Hitachiins care for the opinions of commoners…?

Hikaru sighed, remembering the expression on Haruhi's face as he showed her around the house, despite his poor health and earlier fears of infecting her with his germs. If anything more became of their friendship, perhaps this kind of thing would have to stop, he thought, or Haruhi would have to acquire standards that could cope with the immensity of good taste. He ran a hand through his hair, shaking his head. What was he thinking? He was thinking way too far ahead! Haruhi still had no idea how much he liked her and cared about her. He could deal with such notions later...

The door clicked; Hikaru suspended reverie. Kaoru emerged from the bathroom dressed in - what was that?

_Pyjamas?_

Kaoru averted his face, as if ashamed. The twins were no longer in the habit of sleeping in pyjamas - not since they were kids. He went to his own double-bed and climbed in. He lay down without saying "good-night".

Silence.

Half an hour.

An hour.

Two hours.

Hikaru pushed aside his duvet. He crossed the room carefully, knowing instinctively where to side-step and step over objects in the darkness. Then he stopped by Kaoru's bedside, thinking. He raised a hand. He placed it on something, probably Kaoru's face, and was about to -

_`OW!_ What the hell, Kaoru!'

`What the hell, yourself! And keep your voice down!'

_`You just_ _bit me!'_

_`While you smothered me in my sleep!'_

`I wasn't trying to smother you! It was meant as an affectionate gesture!'

`Well I'll let you know when I want to kill myself and then you can be as affectionate as you want!'

`What the hell's the matter with you? What's up with this weird attitude all of a sudden?'

Silence.

`Kaoru?'

More silence.

`Kaoru, tell me what's wrong…'

`I don't have to tell you everything.'

Hikaru knelt, folding his arms on the mattress and resting his forehead against them. Nothing was said for a while. Then Hikaru mumbled, `Sorry.' A hand touched his hair and flattened it with a stroke - a light, sad stroke. `I'm just worried about you,' he said, `I didn't mean to pressure you or anything.'

Kaoru listened. His brother was back in bed and fast asleep now. He exhaled and stared at white bars stretching across the ceiling. Security lights were always active at night, sensitive to the movement of nocturnal creatures. Once, a freshwater shrimp had triggered perimeter alarms as it travelled down the stream flowing along the outer wall and under the concrete driveway. He counted a total of seven bars. He wondered if there were any freshwater shrimps around today. Then his thoughts slipped onto more important things - that car journey home.

* * *

Here, you may think that something terrible had happened and that the driver, in seeing what he thought to be a young and attractive girl, must have done something untoward to Kaoru. However, not all situations involving strangers and cars end in such a traumatising outcome. Kaoru had barely uttered the directions to his house before somebody came and yanked the door open and dragged him roughly from the passenger seat. This person was none other than Kyouya Ootari, gripping Kaoru tightly by the wrist as he leaned in and instructed the driver to vacate the Suoh premises in less than five seconds. Needless to say, when faced by the wrath that was Kyouya's, the driver fled instantly, leaving behind him two figures arguing in the rain.

Kaoru closed his eyes, feeling echoes of fury throbbing in his chest. His chest ached with the memory of what he and Kyouya had said.

`Don't you think of anybody other than Hikaru and yourself?'

Tears welled under eyelids and tumbled down both cheeks. Kaory wiped them away, angry. He was angry that Kyouya had hurt him. As the rain dashed down, sticking hair to scalps and clothes to bodies, Kyouya had yelled at him, not letting go, still gripping his wrist.

`What do you think this club is for? Is it just to gratify female customers? Haven't you thought of what it means to Tamaki and Haruhi?'

`Why are you bringing them into this? Let go of me right now, Kyouya!'

The vice-president brought Kaoru close.

He whispered something.

Then he let go.

Kaoru buried his face, pressing it to his pillow. His shoulders quivered. His heart ached. He wanted his twin to be happy. For the first time in his life, Hikaru was placing a foot beyond their world to enter that of another. He wanted to understand Haruhi. He wanted to share and merge his world with hers. Unlike Kaoru, he was growing up and moving on and finding someone else to love.

Who was the dependent one now?

_`Tamaki is in love with Haruhi - don't let Hikaru get in the way.'_

Kaoru opened his eyes. Who was Kyouya to decide how feelings developed? If Haruhi returned Tamaki's love, there was nothing anybody could do about it - even if they wanted to. And if Haruhi fell in love with Hikaru instead: the same thing. Kyouya should know this; he should already know this…

Then again, had Kyouya ever fallen in love?


	8. Chapter 8: Interferring

**CHAPTER**** VIII: "Interfering"**

Kyouya had. He had given "love" a lot of thought lately. Not running the Host Club could do that to people. Without the need to calculate expenditures, organise elaborate settings or predict the impact of both on designation rates and the club's overall reputation, Kyouya had a surprising amount of free time to sit and think; to sit and think; to think; to sit; and to sit and think some more.

He had given "love" a lot of thought lately and it was making him ill in a way he had never been. Even though his thoughts on the subject were focused on directing Haruhi to Tamaki, they also brought him to the irksome presence of Hikaru and thus to the younger twin he had no intention of thinking about.

In their last `exchange' Kyouya had emphasised Kaoru's role in all of this. He did not say it in so many words, as Kyouya disliked being direct about these things, but he believed that Tamaki deserved to succeed. Tamaki had introduced to their lives a new sort of meaning, and without him, where would any of them be? Because of Tamaki's encouragement, Hunny retired from an image that made him unhappy, and because of Tamaki's encouragement, the twins finally met someone who could distinguish correctly between the two of them. So Tamaki deserved to succeed and Kyouya would help to realise his success.

However, there was Hikaru to consider.

Kyouya did not know the Hitachiin brothers well and merely accepted their membership as a sign of Tamaki's rare foresight. They proved that "brotherly love" had a market and enhanced the Host Club's progress - except their contribution would probably deteriorate, should Hikaru form a relationship with Haruhi, as part of the club's success came from the fact that none of its hosts were actually engaged. If customers discovered that Hikaru, or for that matter, Kaoru as well, had someone `special' in mind, their enjoyment would plummet and they would designate other hosts. Then again, rates could suffer if Tamaki and Haruhi were to do the same thing, yet none of their customers knew the truth of Haruhi's gender and would likely perceive their relationship as curious and exciting, boosting designation rates by over 200% - according to calculations.

Anyway, where did Kaoru come into this? From Kyouya's point of view, Kaoru was essential in eliminating the competition. As a twin, he would be able to dissuade Hikaru from pursuing or developing feelings that could go beyond the boundaries of friendship. Yet Kaoru had been appalled by Kyouya's advice, refusing before he had given it genuine thought, but Kyouya was convinced that Kaoru would eventually sympathise with his way of thinking.

Hikaru can establish Haruhi as a friend to his heart's content, just no more than that: it's time for Tamaki to be happy for a change. Surely Hikaru is happy now that he and Kaoru have found someone who recognises them as individuals?

_Surely?_

It wasn't just for Tamaki's sake. It was for his sake, Kaoru's. Hikaru falling in love would be the worst thing that could happen. The twins had experience sharing their world with friends, of course, but with lovers…? What would a lover do to a bond as deep and unique as Hikaru and Kaoru's? When they observed the reconciliation of Hikaru and Arai that summer, when Kaoru answered that question on the balcony, it was then that Kyouya felt he had to interfere, that something significant had to be done…

…yet he did not know it was for "love".


	9. Chapter 9: The Preview

**CHAPTER ****IX: "The Preview"**

`Huh?' was Haruhi's reaction to the president's awesome plan, a monosyllabic word of praise in the realm of his hyperbolic mind.

`I don't know how I came up with it, but I did,' he grinned. `Starting next week, when this whole epidemic blows over, we shall go forth and host like we've never hosted before!'

`But you gave us another week…'

`Yes, yes! To prepare ourselves for the era that is to be!'

`And I suppose Kyouya and Kaoru are completely fine about this?'

`Absolutely! My plans are always accepted with confidence!'

`Well, it might be good for Kyouya and Kaoru to get to know each other…'

_`Exactly!_ You see, Haruhi, I was told in the beginning - like all commoners are told, I'm sure - to make friends with so-and-so and such-and-such because it will be good for business and family relations.'

Haruhi's silent thought: _Rich bastards…_

`So I made friends with Kyouya on the advice of his sister…'

_Kyouya has a_ _sister?_

`…and we got along rather well, especially after I suggested the Host Club because Kyouya is a really nice person beneath that cool demeanour. And he's so used to having to compete to be the best, and to be better than his two older brothers, that he never has time to make some proper friends. I thought that by starting the Host Club and asking him to help me run it, he would have the opportunity to meet more people and let them get to know him. He doesn't host, as such, because he doesn't seem interested in that, but this plan of mine ought to get things going! Ha ha ha - why are you looking at me like that, Haruhi?'

`Amazing,' she said; no trace of sarcasm.

_Tamaki_ _fishing on the moon._

`Thank you! I'm glad you share my confidence!'

`Well…'

Tamaki froze. `Well what? What is the well?'

`What does Hikaru-'

`He thinks nothing,' said Kyouya, standing by the door.

`Ah, Kyouya!' cried Tamaki. `We were just talking about you!'

`Oh? And what were you saying?'

`Er…' Haruhi smiled, slightly unnerved by Kyouya's stare - has this guy been getting any sleep?

`We were just saying what a wonderful vice-president you are for agreeing to my latest plan!'

Kyouya looked slowly from Haruhi to Tamaki.

`I see.'

The door opened.

`Good morning.'

Tamaki let Kyouya escape. `Well, well!' he exclaimed at the sight of Kaoru Hitachiin. `And who is it that keeps getting into people's classrooms and houses?'

`You're amusing, milord.'

`Morning, Hi-'

Hikaru rapidly blinked L - I - E in Morse code.

`Kaoru,' said Haruhi.

`So are you ready?' asked Tamaki, oblivious.

`Uh… ready for what, milord?'

`The demonstration, of course! Haruhi has never seen the man-and-wife host type in action and today will be her first preview!'

`Oh,' said Hikaru, wondering if his fever was worse than he thought. When Kaoru had told him about it, the concept struck him as hilarious, but now… `I'm sure Haruhi would find it boring, right? I mean, Kyouya and I have practised this a trillion times!'

`Only twice,' said Kyouya.

`Even so…'

`I wouldn't mind,' smiled Haruhi.

Hikaru tried to smile back; he dared not look at Kyouya. `Isn't this immoral in front of Haruhi, milord?' he hissed.

`Not at all!' beamed Tamaki, outshining the sun.

`But I might give her an inferiority complex. For instance, I could make a better wife than her.'

Haruhi's smile twitched. `What was that?'

_Rocks and boulders._

_`Nooooooooooooooooooo!'_ gasped Tamaki. `Haruhi, come here! Shut your eyes! Close your ears! Protect your mind from bad influence!'

_Haruhi with a paper bag on_ _her head._

`Take it off…'

`I normally avoid Nekozawa by any means necessary, yet I sacrificed myself to have that plain paper bag specially blessed by Beelzenef, who, Nekozawa promised me by the light of ten candles, would deflect and deter the influence of all evil spirits!'

`Maybe _you_ should get one then.'

`Good idea! But I'm scared of Nekozawa…'

`Well Kyouya and Kaoru, I'm sure I'll get to see this man-and-wife act some day. Please pass my regards to Hikaru. I hope he gets well.'

`Haruhi, where are you going? Kyouya, Kaoru, wait there! Haruhi, come back! It will only take a minute…!'

When Tamaki and Haruhi had gone, slamming the door behind them, Kyouya turned to Hikaru and smiled in an unsettling way. `It will take more than a minute,' he said, raising his right hand to stroke Hikaru's cheek.

Shocked, Hikaru evaded the gesture. `Wha-what are you doing?'

Kyouya stepped forward; Hikaru stepped back.

`You can't deny it,' said Kyouya. `They deserve each other, Tamaki and Haruhi. You should tell your brother not to interfere.'

`…what?'

`Let Hikaru fall in love with someone else… Let yourself fall in love with someone else…'

Hikaru felt the edge of a desk digging into his back - how could Kaoru do this to him? `What are you talking about?' he snapped. `I don't know what you mean.'

`Of course you do,' replied Kyouya, and leaned closer.


	10. Chapter 10: AttackoftheThrillerTomatoes

**CHAPTER ****X: "Attack of the Thriller Tomatoes"**

Haruhi stopped at the end of the corridor, and once Tamaki caught up with her, turned and placed a finger on her lips. He did likewise, though had no idea what for as he followed her quietly down the stairs and into the reception area of the Suoh mansion. There were two couches on either side of the room, considerately arranged for the comfort of those whom Tamaki sometimes kept waiting for indefinite periods. Haruhi selected the couch on the right, which had, if one cared to look up, a narrow glimpse of the corridor they had just left behind. Tamaki lowered his finger in unison with Haruhi. They stared at the carpet and then at each other.

Tamaki said, `Do you think I'm doing the right thing?'

`I'm not sure,' answered Haruhi. `It seems an odd way to go about it…'

`Odd! How is it odd?'

`Well, if Renge likes Kyouya that much… wouldn't she be willing to accept him as he is… without him having to act with Kaoru? Maybe she had the wrong impression at first, thinking he was just like the character from a popular computer game, but didn't she, in spite of her initial disappointment, transfer all the way from France for a greater reason than just to… manage the Host Club?'

`I thought she came because of you?'

`Tamaki, this is not Lobelia High School.'

`Then I'm not doing the right thing…?'

`Your heart is in the right place, but trying to make Kyouya fall in love with Renge like this might not work out for the best…'

`He probably needs more time; some guys can be pretty slow about love…'

Haruhi smiled. `He's not the only one.'

`…and Kaoru, what do you think about him?'

`What do you mean?'

`If Kyouya proves stubborn, do you think Renge will like Kaoru instead?'

Haruhi laughed. `You have a strong imagination!'

`But it's not improbable,' insisted Tamaki. `They're in the same class and with a little encourage- Hey Kaoru, where are you going?'

The question stilled the twin in his tracks. He was not called "Kaoru". He was "Hikaru", moron.

`Where's Kyouya?'

Hikaru whirled round. He saw her sitting on a couch beside Tamaki and all he saw was how close they were and what a great couple they made and how there was no space for him in her heart while she occupied that couch.

His mouth almost sneered.

`I couldn't care less,' he managed; then stormed out of the mansion, though not before the butler unlocked the door and held it open first.

Tamaki sighed. `That's the second time he's done that.'

* * *

Kaoru groaned at the time on his clock and pushed aside his blankets. It was almost eleven now - practically midday. He had slept in; and missed meeting Kyouya and Tamaki, for that matter. Hmm… oh well, he thought. Blessing in disguise, perhaps?

He stretched.

He yawned.

Then he stood - only to step on something and hear it crack beneath his feet.

He glanced down.

He picked it up.

`Damn, this is Renge's.'

The game case rattled, reassuring Kaoru that the disk inside was broken. He would have to have it replaced. He could probably find a replacement in the nearest city. But as he washed and changed, parting his hair one way and then the other, he reckoned that Renge wouldn't notice. "Otaku" though she was, an expert on professionally copied originals she wasn't… except he just didn't have the _time!_

A slight grin.

Anyway, he had her figured out. Lend a computer game: ask a question. Borrow a computer game: ask another question.

He shook his head and walked to the Hitachiin library, a vast room filled with so many books that it actually gave him migraines - and that was just the shelves. Without raising his eyes, he went to where he and Hikaru had stocked a whole floor-to-ceiling shelf with two copies of each computer game ever released (_ever_). He would buy a replacement for the replacement, he promised! Then he called the family chauffeur and instructed him to prepare a car.

Ten minutes later, Kaoru was in a featureless vehicle and on his way to meet Renge. He was unfamiliar with the city, but he located the meeting place, which was in front of a large neon billboard in an area jam-packed with people.

`Hmm…' mused Kaoru, seeing a girl dressed in a cosplay outfit from a well-known mecha-series [Gundam Seed]. She was standing at the fore of a crowd waiting at a busy crossroad, anxiously wishing the red into green. When she noticed Kaoru at the opposite side of the road, she raised an arm and started waving furiously - enough to fan away the people beside her. Then, as the ushering melody conducted the crowd, she cheered and rushed straight ahead.

_And was almost run_ _over._

`Are you okay?' said Kaoru, frightened, even though it wasn't his near-death experience.

Renge flicked him a salute, one that nearly took his eye out. `Mission accomplished, sir!'

Kaoru held up the computer game.

`Oh thank you, thank you!' said Renge, studying the cover and examining the disk for scratches and dust; Kaoru smiled nervously. After a few seconds, she declared, `Nope! All present and accounted for! _Ten out of ten!'_

`If you say so, Captain Renge.'

`No need for formalities - I'm in civvies now!'

And she was, her outfit transforming into a pair of ripped jeans and a paint-splattered t-shirt with a sandwich squeaking "SPREAD ME!"

`Not what I usually wear,' she smiled shyly. `Is it, Kao-chan?'

Kaoru blinked. `I suppose not,' he said.

`So what should we do? Shopping? Karaoke? Cinema? Pachinko?'

`We're not old enough for pachinko.'

`Karaoke, then?'

`Sure, why not.'

`Then come with me!' said Renge, already dragging Kaoru somewhere. `I know a great place for karaoke! Haruhi and I went there the other day and had buckets of fun - _BUCKETS!'_


	11. Chapter 11: The N Word

**CHAPTER ****XI: "The `N' Word"**

So far he had bumped into three couples, two loners, and a bunny mascot, who gave him a promotional item advertising travel insurance and pet food. At a safe distance, he took it out again and immediately sought a bin - only to find himself arrested and appalled by the paper's poor quality, the dismal arrangement of graphics, the horrendous spacing, its inappropriate colour scheme…

_It was worse than the Newspaper Club's!_

Renge peered over his shoulder, popping up from various angles. `What have you got there, Kao-chan? What have you got there?'

Kaoru hid the item. `Nothing,' he said.

Fondly, Renge beamed and spread her hands, displaying them to the upper-left of the heavens and making both tingle with mild bolts of lightning. Slowly, his eyes rose from her proud face to the bright neon effigy swaying sleepily from side to side, a giant acid-orange lobster beckoning the hungry to dine in on its -

`Oh my god.'

`That's what I said!'

`But this is a seafood restaurant…' Renge held Kaoru's chin and directed his gaze. `Oh,' he said. `That's an impressive dark entrance.'

It lit up - the magnitude of a small star.

Cauldrons in neon pink and green.

Smoke machine under the stairs.

Mummified bats on strings.

`Halloween,' announced Renge, as if she had come up with the theme herself.

`I think I've gone blind.'

Renge grabbed his arm. `Let's go in!'

* * *

Kaoru stared at the small room dimmed to a twilight shade and twirling its night sky to a jerky tempo. The disco ball was tacky, but a nice touch, he had to admit, and the room consisted of just the right things to make it semi-enjoyable. For instance, he approved of the table for its practicality and forgave the out-dated sound system as he used to be quite fond of it ten years ago. However, he disliked the false leather material covering the booth. Certainly it was thought of as cruel to kill animals just for their skins and furs, but that was the snobbishness of commoners for you; they were simply jealous that they could no longer afford to indulge in the old culture they themselves had invented - though Kaoru kept these observations to himself.

He checked on Renge: judging from the way she enthusiastically scoured the meagre karaoke list, perhaps she was having fun. `Isn't this great?' she exclaimed, locating the latest pop songs and insisting that he sang maybe all of them. Kaoru reluctantly tried his best, even as Renge accidentally-on-purpose trebled the original rhythm.

Worn out, he silently drank ice-tea.

Renge watched, smiling in a curious manner. `Kaoru,' she said.

`Mmm?'

`Does Kyouya like me?'

`I'm sure he's fond of you in his own way…'

`But do you think he likes me?'

`I… guess so.'

`What makes you say that?'

Kaoru placed his drink on the table; it slid very slowly towards the edge. `It's very subtle,' he said, `but you can usually tell that Kyouya likes someone when he…'

`When he what?'

Kaoru smiled. `When he asks you about other people; like the people he knows who are special and precious to you.'

Renge clutched at Kaoru's hands suddenly, startling him. `Does he ask you about me, then?' she persisted.

Kaoru felt her fingers trembling as she spoke each word. `No,' he said, gently; placing a hand on top of hers to try and stop the shaking. `He and I aren't good friends… Not yet. So it's natural that he will tell me hardly anything… So if he comes to trust me, perhaps I will hear him ask about you. Then, maybe-'

`No.'

`Renge…?'

She held his hands firmly, determined not to let them go; he stared at her, dumbfounded. `I want _you_,' she said, `I want _you_.'

* * *

They left the karaoke room not holding hands, not even looking at each other, and the staff who thanked them - invariably cats, witches, ghosts and Frankensteins - assumed that the two had had a fight and hid behind the doorframe, hoping to witness yet another. But they were soon to be disappointed as the boy and girl simply stood there not speaking, not moving; drearily, they returned to their chores.

Kaoru was the first to speak. `I'm sorry,' he murmured. `I should have said something instead of just…'

`It was awkward,' said Renge. `I'm sorry I told you.'

`I had no idea…'

`I just wanted you to know.'

Kaoru put a hand to his hip and looked up at the clouds; they were heavy and grey. `I'll take you home,' he said.

`My car's just there.' Renge nodded at a pink Cadillac - or the rear end of one - parked at the end of the street. `I'll be fine. What about you?'

`I better call someone,' said Kaoru, and as he searched for his mobile, turning his head to investigate an inner pocket, he felt something moist land on his cheek and stay there. Then it was gone.

And she was gone.

Distracted, Kaoru removed something from his pocket, an item that caused a passer-by to say, `It's not too late, you know.'

Kaoru jumped. `Oh. It's you, Kyouya.'

It was indeed. And Kyouya looked strange. `She's almost to the car,' he said. `It's not too late.'

`So?' said Kaoru, irritated. He flicked open his mobile, flicking instead a number of flimsy objects straight into the street. They were in a garish set of colours - every colour of the rainbow. People who paused to bend down were instantly repelled. They stared at Kaoru with blue, apprehensive expressions, as if suspecting he was some sort of a monster or psycho, pervert or molester. And they ran away when he frowned.

`Naughty,' said Kyouya. `She would have liked those.'

Kaoru bent down and picked one up and just about died. `That - that _rabbit!'_ he stuttered. `And - and what do you mean she would have liked them?'

`You know.'

Kaoru stepped back. `I don't have to explain myself to you.'

Kyouya stepped forward, backing him against the restaurant wall, pushing him deep into the shadows. A couple approached, chattering and laughing. They climbed up the stairs and into the karaoke bar. `I think you do,' said Kyouya, looking so strange.

`Renge can do what she wants.'

`Not with you, she can't.'

`You're not her boyfriend.'

`And you're not hers.'

_Cute little crabs._

`…so what are you doing here, anyway?'

`There were some clients to entertain.'

`Ah.'

`Not like that.'

`I know.'

`You were teasing me.'

`Actually, I-'

`You failed.'

Then Kyouya moved. He was walking. He was disappearing. He had vanished into the crowd. And Kaoru touched his cheek, astounded - confused!

`HEY!' he yelled, and ran after him.


	12. Chapter 12: The Twins Fight  Sort Of

**CHAPTER**** XII: "The Twins Fight - Sort Of"**

Kaoru couldn't see Kyouya anywhere. He wandered up and down the street, seeking Kyouya's face in the crowd or a hint of his dignified figure, but Kyouya was nowhere to be seen: Kyouya had gone.

Frustrated, Kaoru seated himself in front of the neon billboard where he had met Renge earlier. What did it mean? What did any of this mean? Resting his palms on the bench and gazing up, he closed his eyes and wished things could go back to the way they were. In such a world, Renge would never confess her feelings for him. In such a world, none of them would have met Haruhi. In such a world, perhaps Kyouya wouldn't have- No. He would never wish that on Haruhi Fujioka. Ever since she had come to Ouran High School, she had done many people the world of good.

_She had done Hikaru the world of good._

A sigh slipped out and Kaoru opened his eyes. Kyouya had a lot to learn. For one so insightful, he was definitely acting the fool. Trying to turn one twin against the other? Impossible! Hikaru had always been, and would always be, the foremost love of his life. They were born together and they lived together and they were the only ones in a stupid world who knew and understood each other best. Kaoru had done nothing to make Kyouya think him capable of betraying or hurting his twin. Whenever Kaoru asked Haruhi out, it was never for himself. No matter whom he chose to love, at least Hikaru had loved Kaoru first and it was that thought and those memories together that made the world less stupid and all the more wonderful…

Someone put their arms around him. Kaoru froze. He looked down at the wrists and recognised the watch that Hikaru normally wore. He was about to relax, except he could sense that something was wrong.

He watched Hikaru's fingers join and lock.

`I've been looking for you,' said Hikaru, no anxiety or affection in his voice.

Kaoru chose to remain still. `Well, you've found me,' he said, trying to smile; he was inexplicably afraid.

The arms around his neck tightened and a cheek pressed itself against his. `I thought you were ill,' said Hikaru, `so I went to Tamaki's in your place - I hope you didn't mind.'

Kaoru wanted to say that he didn't, but no words came out.

`Anyway, Haruhi was a good sport about it and didn't give me away. And Kyouya-' Kaoru swallowed. `-now Kyouya, he told me something very interesting. What was it again…?'

The arms removed themselves from Kaoru's neck; Hikaru walked around the bench and sat beside his brother.

`That's it,' he continued. `I think he told me that you were in love.' He turned to Kaoru, a pleasant smile on his lips. `Who are you in love with?'

Again, no words came.

`If you won't tell me, I can guess; it's not very hard. But what surprised me the most was not the fact that you kept this to yourself. What surprised me was how you were planning to go about it…' Hikaru went quiet. Then he said:

`You are a terrible brother.'

The spell was broken: Kaoru spoke. He tried to explain, he tried to put everything into context, but Hikaru was too hurt and angry to listen.

`I would never think to do that to you,' he growled, ignoring the tears in Kaoru's eyes. `If you want to fall in love with Kyouya, fine! Go ahead! _Do it!_ But ruining my chances with Haruhi as well? I mean, what the fuck's _wrong_ with you?'

`Hikaru, please, just listen to me…'

`What were you going to do? How were you going to do it?'

`Nothing! I wasn't going to do a _thing!_ Hikaru, I haven't done _anything_ to you! I would never-' Kaoru's voice cracked; he looked away.

Hikaru paused. `Kaoru.' His twin wouldn't turn to him. He reached across; Kaoru turned. His face was calm, his eyes wet and miserable. `I know you wouldn't,' said Hikaru, now tender. `I just got scared, that's all. I want us to be happy. I don't want to leave you alone.'

Kaoru moved closer, hiding his face in Hikaru's shoulder as arms embraced him again.

`Don't you guys ever stop?'

The twins glanced up. A crowd had converged on the bench and was applauding their performance of brotherly love - amongst them Ranka, who was clapping the loudest, and Haruhi, who wasn't clapping at all.

`Haruhi,' said the twins, `fancy meeting you here.'

`Yeah,' she said, `fancy that.'

The crowd began to disperse, though not before the twins signed a few autographs and advertised their mother's fashion label.

_Just like Kyouya_, thought Haruhi, waving "good-bye" to potential customers.

`You were magnificent!' praised Ranka, asking for an autograph, which the twins signed with a flourish. `And now I know how to tell you apart! Haruhi gave me some tips, of course, but I prefer to figure things out myself!'

Kaoru and Hikaru exchanged glances: they had actually signed each other's names.

`We're going home now,' said Haruhi, `bye!'

`But don't you want to give them a lift?'

`Oh, you have a car now?' asked Hikaru.

`No,' replied Haruhi, giving her father a grim look. `We have a train to catch and we're going to miss it.'

Kaoru smiled. `The train passes our station - doesn't it, Hikaru?'

`I suppose...'

`May we join you, Haruhi?'

Ranka grasped Hikaru by the collar and shook him, `As long as I get to come to the house, as long as I get to come to the house!'

`I never forbade you, Ranka - you can come - any time!'

Satisfied, Ranka released Hikaru and laughed a triumphant laugh; Haruhi shook her head.

On the way home, the twins discovered what Haruhi was doing with her father in the city. Apparently, one of Ranka's colleagues was getting married and decided to celebrate, inviting everyone he knew to a restaurant with a mechanical sea creature. As details of the party were delivered in a lively and melodramatic manner, causing embarrassment for all on the train, Kaoru observed his brother and the way he behaved towards Haruhi. Whilst Hikaru occupied a seat - cheerful, in spite of his fever - Haruhi stood in front of him, speaking, smiling.

It was beautiful to watch.


	13. Chapter 13: Hurricane in Brazil

**CHAPTER ****XIII: "Hurricane in Brazil"**

In the end, Kaoru decided to be late and did some window-shopping to pass away the time. However, when not enough was passing, he entered the shops themselves and forced the sales clerks to find him products in the most long-winded fashion - only to leave the shop empty-handed, much to their fury.

Disappointed, Kaoru glanced at his watch. All that running around had taken a mere twenty minutes? He still wasn't late enough! Maybe he should visit a bookstore and read some textbooks in English? He wasn't good at English, so he could probably spend an hour translating one page… His mobile rang; he picked it up.

`Hello?'

`You're late.'

Kaoru cringed. `I'm sorry, Kyouya. The traffic here is-'

`I've been watching you. If you look up, you may see me waving from the window of a very expensive café.' Cautiously, Kaoru surveyed the upper floors of the department store and cringed again - so he was. `The longer you take,' said Kyouya, `the more coffee I drink; and the more coffee I drink, the more it'll cost you…'

Kaoru panicked. _Never owe Kyouya money!_ He went straight up, and by the time he found the café, a sixth mug was joining its brothers and sisters.

Kyouya smiled at Kaoru's astonishment; he offered to buy the next mug.

`No, no,' said Kaoru, slipping wearily into a chair. `I'll get it.' He studied the menu. `What do you want, then?'

`Espresso.'

Kaoru lowered the menu. `…you've been drinking that in mugs?'

`All night,' said Kyouya.

`Why,' said Kaoru, slyly, `what you been doing?'

Kyouya stared. `Tamaki has discovered "pool",' he said, `the commoner's version of snooker. He made me play it 'til 3am.'

Kaoru seriously doubted that. He ordered their drinks. While they waited, one watched the other from the corner of his eye. The drinks arrived; they drank in silence.

`I want to talk about something.'

`Good. I was starting to get bored.'

`Why did you kiss me?'

`Kiss you?' said Kyouya.

`Yes, the other day in the city,' said Kaoru, `outside that seafood restaurant with a Halloween karaoke bar.'

`What a precise memory you have.'

`You kissed me: I want to know why.'

`Well, you're asking the wrong person.'

`But you-'

`Refill, sir?'

Kaoru bit his mug.

`Hello Kaoru! Hello Kyouya!' She was dressed as a Victorian serving maid, complete with coffee pot and feather duster. `Refill?' she beamed.

`Hello Renge,' said Kyouya, accepting.

Kaoru declined; he didn't want her to be here - go away, _go away!_

`Don't give them our coffee, Renge; we paid for that,' sighed Haruhi, who stood just behind her carrying a tray with clean cups and saucers; they were looking for a table.

Renge pitched the coffee pot with a bang. `We'll sit here!' she proclaimed, and sat beside Kaoru, whilst Haruhi sighed again and sat beside Kyouya. `What do you think? Isn't it great! I bought this costume today! It fits me so well and only cost-' Renge whispered the price into Kaoru's ear; he seemed impressed. `A bargain, don't you think? If you have time, you should come with me and we'll buy the matching outfit! I always thought you looked great as a "waiter", you know!'

Haruhi smiled. Without knowing it, Kaoru had succumbed to the will of Tamaki and his crazy imagination. `Bless him,' she said. `He hasn't a clue.'

`Indeed,' agreed Kyouya.

`Do you mind her being with Kaoru?'

`She can do what she wants; there's no stopping her.'

An ear-splitting shriek.

The café stood still.

All eyes were on Renge.

Whose eyes were on Kaoru.

`I - I spilt coffee on Kaoru!' she stammered. And she had, where spillage was typically hated. `Kaoru, I'm sorry!' He stood and started leaving. `Wait, Kaoru!' she pleaded. `Wait!'

A teaspoon tinkled.

The café started talking.

Kyouya finished his coffee. `I'm going home.'

`Me too,' sighed Haruhi. `It's been quite a day.'

At the till, Kyouya paid for everyone's coffee; deaf to Haruhi's protests. `The guilt you feel,' he said kindly, `will be paid for by Kaoru.'

Haruhi cringed. `You should tell him,' she said.

`I will,' he assured her.

`No Kyouya,' smiled Haruhi, `I mean you should _tell_ him.'

* * *

They parted, and a few footsteps later, Kyouya found himself thinking of Kaoru and where he had gone with Renge - though what they were up to was none of his business; he had never cared before, so why should he care now? Yet the more he tried not to think of them, the less certain he felt of not wanting to know. He just had to find out, for some reason, if Kaoru had felt something, if that kiss had been significant or was just meaningless to him, a nonsensical tease.

Kyouya remembered the kiss well, despite his earlier claims. He had intended to tease Kaoru, to distract him from helping Hikaru beat Tamaki, but all it had done was distract Kyouya instead. Being clever did not explain being stupid. And Kyouya was being stupid. For starters, he was wasting time thinking of Kaoru…

Images angered him. Had Kaoru said "yes"? Was he now Renge's boyfriend? They had been absent for some time - anything could have happened. So maybe they were at the cosplay store, buying that matching costume together…

_Speak of the devil._

Kyouya hid: the couple were in front of a vending machine. He could see Renge fussing over Kaoru, dabbing her handkerchief at the wet patch on his trousers and saying over and over that she didn't mean it and how it had all been an accident, not some ploy to get him alone with her and hog his attention - oops, did she say that aloud?

Kaoru spoke nothing and smiled; Kyouya clenched his fist. `Why not blow him while you're down there?' he thought viciously, and instantly regretted it. Where had that outburst come from? He didn't care for what these children did!

He moved to turn away - to walk away - _to run away_ - but his feet were firm and refused to uproot. So he had to stand there and listen to Kaoru; see Renge find hope and draw closer; remember the first time that she'd kissed him; and glare as she was going to kiss him again, except-

Kaoru was kissing her.

Kyouya closed his eyes. He slid down the wall. He should have answered that question. But it was too late now. Because it was obvious now:

_Kaoru loves Renge._


	14. Chapter 14: Under the Influence

**CHAPTER XIV: "Under the Influence"**

Tamaki held the bag up. `Are you sure?' he said.

`I am sure, sir,' replied the shopkeeper.

`And are you certain?' he said.

`I am certain, sir,' replied the shopkeeper.

`How about positive?' he said.

`Yes sir, I am sure, certain, positive, and confident, sir, that the bag you hold in your very hands is the best kind of dog food in the world, sir,' replied the shopkeeper.

Tamaki slapped his card on the counter with a twinkle. `Charge it to my account,' he instructed, `your _entire_ stock.'

The shopkeeper blinked; Tamaki smiled. What a brilliant afternoon he was having, shopping for dog food in a commoner's department store! Unknown to the shopkeeper, he had been to the pet shop for the second time, demonstrating loyalty to the company, as commoners were wont to do once they'd found a company they liked - oh, he was blending in perfectly!

`How would sir like to take his purchase home?' asked the shopkeeper, stamping the string of loyalty cards belonging to Tamaki.

`My courier will take it,' he answered, watching the stamps pile up. Ten more, five more, two more for a bonus… _`YES!_ I have a hundred paw prints! What's the bonus, what's the bonus!'

The shopkeeper presented Tamaki with a basket lined with sheepskin from the finest flocks in New Zealand - it sparkled, just a little.

Tamaki trembled; Antoinette would love this! He yanked the string of loyalty cards, bringing the shopkeeper within inches of his face. `You are a generous and considerate man,' he murmured, touching the shopkeeper's cheek.

`I'm fifteen,' said the shopkeeper. `This is my job.'

`And you excel at it…'

`Thanks, but-'

`May I see your manager? I would like to tell your manager how happy I am…'

`Please sir, there's no need…'

`It's a shame you don't go to my school; you would have done well as a member of my club…'

`Sir, I have to work now…'

A bottle slammed itself on the counter.

`I want to buy this,' said-

`Kyouya!' cried Tamaki; he released the shopkeeper and proudly displayed the dog basket. `What make you of this, eh? It's a reward for my loyalty!'

_Woof!_

`I want this,' said Kyouya.

Tamaki peered at the bottle. `What do you want with that?'

`None of your business.'

`But it's fish medicine…'

`Perfect.'

_Ha?_

`But you don't own any fish…'

`I do. I have some in my head.'

The shopkeeper and Tamaki exchanged glances.

Tamaki hooked Kyouya's arm. `Excuse us,' he said, `we'll be right back. Now Kyouya,' he whispered, leading him away, `would you mind confirming whether you're drunk or momentarily insane?'

`I have no idea what you're talking about. Where is my medicine?'

`That was a pet shop. They sell medicine for pets. We're going to a pharmacy, which sells medicine for humans.'

`I see… No wonder you go to school.'

Tamaki couldn't find a pharmacy. And he couldn't find a person who knew where a pharmacy was. `The commoners are against us,' he said, eyes darting around. `They don't want us to find medicine; they don't want us to heal Kyouya!' He noticed an ice-cream parlour. `Ooh, let's go in there!'

* * *

Kyouya stared at the ice-cream in his hand, as if he had never seen one. `Not like this, anyway,' he observed to himself, and gave it a tentative nibble. He was oblivious to Tamaki's gawping.

`You better tell me what's up,' said Tamaki.

And under the influence of mint, Kyouya did.

`Oh,' said Tamaki. `I thought it was something serious.'

Kyouya frowned, puzzled by the ants crawling on his microphone. He blew at them, annoyed. `It is _very_ serious,' he stated.

A pregnant pause.

`How serious?' asked Tamaki.

`He's meant to be _my_ wife, not _hers.'_

Tamaki smiled. `So it's true then,' he said, `you _do_ like Kaoru.'

`Did Kaoru say that? _The narcissist bastard!_ I saw him with Renge. They were all over…' _The place? The news?_ Kyouya ate his microphone. `…each other,' he decided.

`Right,' nodded Tamaki, calling Haruhi under the table.

`I have to go home now. I have to go home and kill fish.'

`I've just called a car for you-'

`A cat?'

`No, a- damn those twins!' Tamaki dialled Hunny's number instead. `Hello there! Just me! Sorry to interrupt but we have a slight crisis and I was wondering if you could send a car straight away because Kyouya is-' Clutching his head and questioning the world in an agitated voice saying, _`Why?_ Why won't the fish _die?_ I saw it and it worked in a _film!'_

`Okay…' promised Hunny; mildly perturbed (and fully recovered now, thanks!).

A car came and picked Kyouya and Tamaki up, though it was technically only Kyouya, who, by that time, was too far gone to stagger properly.

`What's wrong with Kyouya?' asked Hunny, when they arrived at his mansion. `Does he have the 'flu?'

`No,' said Tamaki, `he has something much worse.' Hunny gasped, covering Usa-chan's ears. `I know.' They both looked at Kyouya now tied to a chair in the middle of Hunny's dojo. `By the way, where's Mori?'

Hunny appeared sheepish. _`Well,'_ he said, `after spending so much time with me, he sort of caught the 'flu again, hahaha…'

Tamaki froze. `Must it consume us _all?'_

`I'd like the 'flu,' said Kyouya.


	15. Chapter 15: Cucumber Sandwich

**CHAPTER XV: "Cucumber Sandwich"**

But he didn't, really. After being dunked in a bath full of ice-cubes and made to run around the dojo, he wanted nothing more than to lie down in a nice, warm bed and perhaps go to…

Tamaki shook him; Hunny repeated a question.

He yawned and verified that he was probably high on caffeine, not drunk or insane, as originally supposed - though he may have been a little insane, having had no sleep for almost _forty-eight_ hours…

He looked at Tamaki, who crouched behind Hunny.

As for his seeming obsession with Kaoru… that, he could not easily explain; not without reference to the night of January the-

_`HA HA HA!'_ laughed Tamaki, pushing Kyouya aside and out of the dojo. `Hunny, we have troubled you enough! I think we must be going! Thank you for your support in this strange and trying time!'

Hunny waved in the distance, `Bye-bye Tamaki! Bye-bye Kyouya! I'll tell Mori you both said "hi"!'

Tamaki waved back. He waved. He was waving. He wasn't waving anymore. `Kyouya,' he said, severely. `No caffeine _EVER_ for you.'

`Very well,' said Kyouya, adjusting his glasses.

`And _NEVER_ mention the night of January the-' Tamaki shuddered. `No! It's too horrible!' He flailed at the image. `Oh,' he said, `and why are you obsessed with Kaoru?'

`I'm not obsessed with Kaoru.'

`He was all you could focus on…'

`He was the last person I saw-'

`But you saw _me!'_

`-when I was sane.'

Tamaki stopped and took his phone out. As he texted for a chauffeur, he mumbled, `I'm sorry. I didn't mean for this to happen.'

`Thanks,' said Kyouya. `I'm sorry, too.'

`What for?'

`For the two of us: unable to realise our feelings and confess them to the right person.'

Tamaki blinked. `I'm flattered,' he coughed, `but I just think of you as a friend…'

`I meant Haruhi.'

`You love _Haruhi?'_

`No, I-' Kyouya paused. `Tamaki,' he said.

`Yes, Kyouya?'

* * *

Haruhi sneezed.

`Not getting the 'flu, are you?' asked Ranka, who was lying on the floor of the living room as Haruhi read at the table.

`No, Dad,' she said. `Someone's just talking about me.'

`Ah…! One of those handsome boys from the Host Club, I bet, wishing they could date my sweet and lovely daughter…!'

`…I doubt that very much.'

`Oh you're so _cute_, Haru-chan!'

`Dad, stop that! I'm trying to read!'

Ranka tried to read too, but he had cucumbers on his eyes and was dripping mud-mask on Haruhi's textbook. `You know,' he said, `it wouldn't surprise me if one of them had an interest in you, because according to my very good source-'

`Kyouya?'

`Hahaha! No!' Ranka lifted a cucumber; Haruhi glared. `Well, maybe, but-'

`I'm trying to study.'

Ranka watched Haruhi turn a page. And then he lay back down. `You really aren't interested, are you?' he said. `You spend all that time with them and not a single one seems to have captured your interest… Hmm, I wonder why that is?'

Haruhi turned a page.

`Is it because of me? Is it because of my job?' he murmured. `They say, don't they, that sons like to marry girls just like their mothers, so could it be the same thing with daughters…?'

Haruhi turned another page.

`And if their fathers have a job like mine, dressing up as a woman instead of a man… could it be that your image of the ideal man is ruined by the androgynous conduct of your-' Ranka covered his mouth and sat bolt upright. `Oh Haruhi, Haruhi…!' he wailed, clutching her by the hands and staining them with mud. _`I have failed you!_ I have failed you as a - as a - _I don't_ _even_ _deserve to_ _be called that!_ Can you ever forgive me for what I haven't _done?'_

_Twirling and dancing._

`You haven't failed me, Dad,' said Haruhi, smiling tenderly at the mess. `And what should I forgive you for? You haven't done anything wrong-'

_`HAVEN'T_ _I?'_ demanded Ranka, his face a melting mud swamp. `You don't even like _boys_ and you tell me that isn't _failure!'_

Haruhi handed him a tissue, trembling. `Just because I don't like them right now,' she said, `does not mean that I never will.'

`Maybe you're attending the wrong school,' Ranka muttered, lost in a spiral, lost to the world. `Maybe you're better off at Lobelia… I'll call for a transfer… I'm sure they'll understand…'

_`Dad.'_

He looked at his daughter; she was staring at her textbook. `What is it?' he asked, putting down the phone.

`Why do people want this?'

`Want what?'

`Want me to end up with someone.'

Ranka rubbed his cheek, thoughtful. `Well…' he said, examining his muddy fingers.

`What's wrong with just studying hard to get my diploma so I can enter a good university?'

`Nothing…'

`Isn't that what parents want their children to do?'

_`Yes,'_ sighed Ranka, and pressed a thumb to Haruhi's forehead. Hmm. Nice fingerprint. `But there is more to life than the knowledge of a book - isn't there, Haru-chan?'

_Dancing carrots._

`Not really.'

`Hmm…'

`So who has a crush on me?'

`Ha-_ha!_ Not telling! Not telling!'

`You'll tell me sooner or later - you always do.'

`Oh no, not this time,' winked Ranka. `Only the _boy_ can do that.'


	16. Chapter 16: Storm in a Teacup

**CHAPTER XVI: "Storm in a Teacup"**

At about three o'clock on a bright and sunny afternoon, a teenage boy walked down the private road leading to the Ootari mansion. Automatically, security cameras turned and perimeter guards stiffened, but he remained unchallenged until he reached the solemn walls that surrounded the property, where he was asked his business by the resident guard and searched for potentially lethal weapons and substances - the worst of which was a recently sharpened pencil and a mouldy piece of chewing gum.

Cleared by security, Kaoru passed through the gates.

At the entrance to the mansion he was interrogated and searched again before a butler finally opened the door and showed him in. He was taken to the main lounge, a room that embraced the bleakness of modernity, not its revolutionary style, and saw its host seated by a kotatsu, silently reading textbooks.

Undeterred, Kaoru strode over and tried to slam something against the kotatsu, only to have it swerve aside and land on the floor. Kaoru stared. He picked it up.

Then he knelt and sat down.

Kyouya poured tea.

Kaoru seemed touched.

Kyouya drank tea.

Kaoru seethed. `Am I invisible to you?' he asked.

`Most invisible friends are,' replied Kyouya.

An envelope was slid across the kotatsu by Kaoru and promptly used as a coaster. Kaoru's brow twitched. Inside the envelope was not (thank god) a romantic confession of his undying love but the money he owed Kyouya for coffee - coffee at twenty times the original sum.

_The miser!_

Kaoru studied the tablecloth and tried to calm down. Today was not a good day for him. He knew this because, from the moment he awoke and banged heads with his brother, there was something not quite right with the world. To begin with, there were tears in Hikaru's eyes, which had little in common with their painful collision and more with the fact that Kaoru now had a _(`What!')_ without telling him. And no, Hikaru would _not_ be consoled! Every step of the way Hikaru had told Kaoru of his feelings and asked for advice, but when it came to Kaoru and _his_ love-life, where was the trust? Where was the _intimacy?_

Hikaru went to breakfast alone, leaving Kaoru distinctly upset for the vaguest of reasons. He had no idea what he was supposed to have done. As far as Kaoru knew, he had shared with Hikaru every aspect of his life, including its love, and to be suddenly accused of not having done that… _Fine!_ He wouldn't speak to Hikaru either! None of this was Kaoru's fault!

Except there were other signs to indicate otherwise: following the weird argument with Hikaru there came the feeling that the servants were in on it too, whispering the second his back was turned about- They shut up. Kaoru turned his back; they started whispering.

Annoyed, Kaoru left the mansion before something creepier happened… like Mori getting well and indulging in a sentence:

`Nice day, isn't it?'

`Yes…' uttered Kaoru as he gazed up and up, and up and up, and-

Mori helped Kaoru stand. `I was just passing by,' he explained. `Are you upset?'

Kaoru paused, slightly amazed. `I'm not upset,' he answered, `just confused.'

`What about?'

`Nothing…'

Tamaki popped out of a tree upside-down, holding a huge megaphone. `YOU SECRET-KEEPER!' he yelled, though he was actually whispering.

`…Him, then,' said Kaoru.

`YOU KEPT A SECRET FROM US!' yelled Tamaki, again, only whispering. Simultaneously Kaoru covered his ears and tried to snatch the megaphone - an impossible feat. `I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU KEPT THIS A SECRET FROM US! WE LOVE YOU AND LOVE YOU AND YET THIS IS HOW WE'RE REPAID!'

`What are you on about, milord? Love is meant to be free, you know!'

`FREE!' yelled Tamaki, this time without the megaphone, which was now possessed by Mori, and a minute later, by a blackbird nesting some miles away. `I THOUGHT YOU WERE IN LOVE! I THOUGHT YOU LIKED KYOUYA!'

Kaoru glowered at the name. He remembered leaving then and going off into town, a town populated by commoners who would not know him or go about yelling his business. _Of course I like_ _Kyouya,_ thought Kaoru, concentrating on the pavement as he strolled. _He is an interesting guy. He feels special to me._ But those were the lamest of reasons; you could say those things about anyone. So what did Kyouya exactly mean to Kaoru?

Since childhood the Hitachiin brothers had considered girls with nothing short of contempt. Girls failed constantly at the "Which is Hikaru and which is Kaoru?" game, and frustrated with female ignorance, decided that no girl could ever guess correctly and therefore no girl could ever interest them. As a result, one Hitachiin started falling in love in a different way… and he stopped absent-mindedly to look at a shop window. It had jewellery on display: necklaces, bracelets, earrings, rings, rings… loads of rings…

He moved swiftly on.

Nobody else seemed to feel this way. Not even Hikaru. Not in the slightest. So what else could Kaoru think to do…?

He could have ducked, for starters.

`You _bastard!'_

Kaoru touched his cheek.

`You did it just to - just to -'

Everyone stared.

`Just to tease me!' she blurted.

`Renge…'

`DON'T!' she screamed. `Don't ever think to comfort me! If you wanted more, you should have just said! Instead of - instead of just -'

* * *

Kaoru jumped as a cup slid quietly towards him. His hand shook; he gripped the cup firmly. One sip. His face grimaced.

`What,' said Kyouya, `you thought it was tea?'

Kaoru shook his head. He started crying. Sensibly, Kyouya consulted his textbook and read a passage on genetic disorders and how gene therapy strove to eradicate disease. By the time he poured another "tea" and finished drinking it, Kaoru had grown silent, tracing patterns on the tablecloth.

`You thought I kissed her,' said Kaoru, speaking to the kotatsu.

`I admit that I did, yes,' said Kyouya.

Kaoru drank his second "tea" and hinted for a third. `I didn't kiss her, you know.'

`I know that now,' said Kyouya, denying a fourth.

Kaoru shielded his eyes, smiling. `You're ruining my life,' he said. `First you try to turn me against my brother and then my brother against me… Then you kiss me and refuse to explain, giving me all these ideas… Now you've spread these awful rumours about me and Renge, turning my brother against me again and humiliating me in public… What more do you want from me, Kyouya? Can't you see that I'm suffering now? Do you think that you're happy now?'

_Are you_ _happy now, Kyouya?_


	17. Chapter 17: The Happy Headache

**CHAPTER XVII: "The ****Happy Headache"**

A fourth cup was poured and held aloft. `A toast,' smiled Kaoru, `to you.' He drank, but Kyouya prised the cup from his hand and drank it. Kaoru laughed in disbelief. `You're winning, Kyouya!' he cheered. `You're winning!'

Kyouya threw the cup - they heard it shatter on the marble floor and skitter across the room. `You're the one who's winning!' he shouted. `You've _always_ been winning!'

Kaoru was sober now. He also looked scared. But Kyouya didn't want Kaoru to be scared because he didn't want to be angry with Kaoru and carry on shouting at him. And to answer the question: no, Kyouya was not happy now; he did not think he was happy. He had made one hell of a mistake, assuming, in his caffeine-fuelled paranoia, that Kaoru had kissed Renge when in fact - if Kaoru could just get a word in - no such thing had even occurred.

`You were drinking espressos all day, you moron! Your eyes must have been all over the place!'

Kyouya's glasses flashed. He was on his feet. He felt stupid enough to hit someone, but he restrained himself, merely grasping Kaoru's t-shirt. They glared at each other, defiant. Who would it be then? Who would back down then?

`Oh what messy boys!' came the voice of Kyouya's sister as she entered the lounge, unaware of the fight.

Kyouya let go.

Kaoru stood. `I'm sorry,' he said, `that was my fault.' He went to where the fragments were and picked them up, but Fuyumi Shido advised him to sit down.

`You are a guest here,' she said, in case her little brother had forgotten that. `Please, have some more tea!'

Oh no, Kaoru did _not_ want some more "tea".

`I agree,' spoke Kyouya. `I'll see you to the door.'

_That's right,_ thought Kaoru, _get rid of me._ He rose from the kotatsu and feigned a tee-total stride to the hall, spoiling his route by bumping into the doorframe.

But Kyouya was patient. He did not say a word. With Kaoru's arm around his neck and his arm around Kaoru's waist, they walked to the exit in silence.

Half-asleep, Kaoru mumbled, `I want you to stop spreading rumours…'

Kyouya burned. _Me_ _spreading_ _rumours!_ Yet he promised not to do so.

`…and be kind to Renge…'

_There is nothing to be gained_ _by_ _doing_ _that,_ fumed Kyouya, but he invented a reason and promised to anyway.

`…and…'

`Stop guilt-tripping me already - I get the message!'

Kaoru leaned against the door, which Kyouya was struggling to open, and smiled softly at his sempai. `You really love him, don't you,' he murmured.

`Love who?' said Kyouya, still struggling with the door. `Kaoru, would you just _move?'_

Kaoru did. `Because I want you to be happy,' he said.

Kyouya paused. `…about a door?'

`Yes indeed,' said Kaoru, `about a door.'

Kyouya held open the door. `Goodbye then.'

`_Listen_ _you,_ I'm trying to-'

`And you have done - goodbye.' Kyouya shut the door and pressed a palm to its surface, as if expecting resistance or some form of retaliation. However, when none came, not even a sound, Kyouya removed his palm and returned to the lounge, where his sister was humming to herself as she sipped a cup of-

`You didn't drink it, did you?' said Kyouya, referring to, of course, his secret teapot filled with secret tea.

Slowly, Fuyumi placed the cup carefully on the kotatsu and answered `No…' even slower.

Kyouya rubbed a hand down his face. Not his secret teapot with the secret tea! It had taken him months to accumulate that! Now he would have to wait another year before there was enough to toast his high school graduation _UGH!_ Why did Life have to _be_ like this!

`I'm surprised you let him go home like that,' continued Fuyumi. `Your friend seemed so upset… And the roads are quite busy at this time of the day… I hope he called a car to take him home because-'

Kyouya poured the last of his tea into her cup and dashed out. It was the rudest thing he had ever done. He had endeavoured not to listen to Kaoru, adamant on shunning as he had been shunned, only to discover that there existed no truth in the facts that were previously believed. Kaoru was not seeing Renge. Kaoru had not even _kissed_ Renge. Usually so accurate and in control, Kyouya was, for the rarest instance of his life, neither of the two. Espresso had cursed him in a manner that 'flu hadn't managed, and he hoped to the deities above that Kaoru Hitachiin had not gone far in his drunken state and brought harm or mischief to himself…

`You took your time,' slurred the figure swaying on the doorstep, its palm an inch from Kyouya's face as he stopped just in time. `Got something to say?'

`Yes,' said Kyouya to the wavering palm, `you are terribly drunk.'

`Am not,' retorted Kaoru; and to prove it, swayed forward and nearly snuffed Kyouya.

`Come back inside, Kaoru…'

`Why, so you can throw me out again?'

`Not until it's dark.'

Sly, Kaoru asked, `Is that your game?'

`I'm through with games…'

Two silhouettes stood in the light of a door, standing close together. One bowed its head as the other gazed up and they were about to unite in a passionate eclipse - until the tall silhouette muttered to the short silhouette how there were security guards watching through night-vision monitors.

They resumed upstairs in the bedroom, where the monitors were absent and the sister of Kyouya was… they closed the door without her noticing, so intent was she on Kyouya's drawers and wardrobe.

`Er,' said Kaoru, `not suspicious of you, is she?'

`No,' said Kyouya, leading him away.

`So where are you taking me?'

`Not where you're thinking.'

They entered the bathroom further down the corridor.

`Nice tiles,' said Kaoru.

`Thanks,' said Kyouya.

`May I vomit in your toilet?'

`That you may.'

A moment later, Kaoru washed his mouth, feeling much better. `So you brew alcohol in the engines of your family's car pool?' he said, resuming a discussion on the origins of "tea".

`Not all of them,' replied Kyouya, `just the ones on display, as the explosion of a TVR once taught me.'

`Man… I would have liked to see that.'

`Not if you were my brother. It was his car.'

Kaoru laughed. `Why can't we be like this all the time, Kyouya,' he sighed. `Let's just call a truce and leave the fools to their own devices…'

`Sure.'

`What?'

`I said "sure".'

And they kissed.


	18. BONUS: Chapter 18

**AUTHOR'S NOTE:** This is a rejected chapter. I had intentions of continuing further, but it felt right to end the story at Chapter XVII.

* * *

**CHAPTER XVIII: "Zombie Crossing"**

Then they stopped kissing. Kaoru nearly asked why, but he understood straight away and respectfully stepped back. He remarked on how late it was and that he should probably go home. And as he turned to see himself out, he felt again lips on his own – a quick consolation kiss. Kaoru smiled; a little upset. He thought Kyouya would have no problems… Of course it scared him, kissing an older classmate, an acquaintance through the Host Club, yet those details were superfluous in the face of Kaoru's feelings. He left the Ootari mansion, almost angry.

And Kyouya watched, almost angry too. They had leaned forward equally and kissed with similar strength, only for him to suddenly end the moment without a single good reason. As their lips brushed softly, melting their souls in the darkness, Kyouya thought that kissing Kaoru was wrong – _should be wrong_ – instead of how they were together at last without struggling over the affections of others. He also thought that kissing a colleague, a member of the Host Club, was wholly unprofessional and incongruous with the man-and-wife act. This kiss was not an act and it was not a rehearsal: it was a genuine expression of love and there was not a thing to be gained by it.

So he ended it. He pulled out.

And Kaoru wondered why as he climbed the stairs at seven in the morning, the hour he finally entered the Hitachiin estate after moping around on a neighbouring golf course. Alcohol could affect people in several ways, either bringing gladness or sorrow, and Kaoru being one of the latter, scuffed to his heart's content the pristine surface of the golf course with the aid of his shoes and an abandoned golf club. And as if that outburst could not possibly be enough, Kaoru additionally buried every spare golf ball discovered in the depths of every sandpit.

He was not a happy bunny.

And still in this mildly destructive mood, Kaoru stamped a sequence of muddy footprints all the way up the marble staircase before collapsing halfway down, in the middle of vandalising the opposite side, where he closed his eyes to go to– _'AAAAAAAAAH!'_ shrieked a broomstick that was bashing him on the head.

'What's with all the commotion?' asked the sleepy voice of Hikaru from the top of the stairs.

'IT'S A ZOMBIE!' screeched the maid. 'IT'S A ZOMBIE!'

'What are you talking about? Halloween was last…' Hikaru scrutinised the zombie. 'Oh,' he said, and held out his hand, which received the maid's broomstick and promptly snapped it in two. 'One for me and one for you – would you like to hit the zombie first?'

Kaoru snatched the broomstick from his brother and gave it back to the maid. 'Sweep somewhere else or I shall be _very_ upset.'

'Y-yes Mr. Zombie, sir!'

'You can't tell her what to do,' argued Hikaru.

The maid paused to consider this. 'He's right,' she realised, 'because you're dead, you're not alive! _AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!'_

She ran away.

Kaoru clutched his head. He had such a splitting headache!

'Bye-bye,' waved Hikaru, walking past him down the stairs.

'Hikaru…'

'Was that the voice of a ghost?'

'Hikaru, please…' Kaoru looked tired.

Hikaru stopped. Instinctively, he embraced his brother and pressed foreheads to say it was fine; it was okay; they no longer had to fight, you know…

And Kaoru smiled, saying that he knew; that nothing could ever keep them apart…

Yet Hikaru wasn't so sure – not anymore. Kaoru had been independent of late, always going somewhere by himself or in the company of other people. In leaving Hikaru alone, to mainly overcome the 'flu, Kaoru had also left a challenge; and once Hikaru had tackled the hurt and managed the pain, it was like Kaoru was trying to explain something, like "this is how it feels and this is what it's like". It could not be forever, this twinhood they shared, he was saying. They would have to move apart someday, and do things apart someplace, but if they could do that, look at what they would be able to achieve! They could do so much more when not together!

_They could fall in love!_

Hikaru blinked away tears and held Kaoru tight. He liked Haruhi, he really did… And he also liked Tamaki and the rest of the Host Club... But he could not imagine sharing the world with more people… The world could be no bigger than that, so there had to be another way… It couldn't just be like this, or end like this… He wanted it to happen a differently…

'Hikaru, I can't breathe.'

He loosened his arms, letting his brother sleep. Maybe he would give the future more thought… see if Kaoru was right.


	19. BONUS: Chapter 0 rejected material

**AUTHOR'S NOTE:** And this is a chapter containing rejected material for _Curse of the 'Flu_. As you can see, it is all jumbled up and mostly to do with Kaoru/Renge and Hikaru/Haruhi moments. With the story focus on Kaoru/Kyouya, they just had to go (sorry!)

* * *

**CHAPTER 0**

Kaoru was tired, very tired. He deserved a hot bath, he thought, and a really good book. Though it had taken some time, he finally understood why Haruhi had been so quiet. At the time, Kaoru had initially feared she was ill, the result of hanging around with Hikaru too much, who was still recovering from the last of his 'flu, but hanging out with Renge…

Kaoru's head drooped. He felt a strong, irresistible urge to shut his eyes and go to sleep… go to sleep… go to sleep… BUT NO! Sleeping on trains was forbidden! It was not polite! It was not cool! Kaoru blinked hard and tried to stay awake. What on earth had he been thinking? He hadn't been thinking at all, judging by what had happened after– He groaned. Not that kiss with Kyouya… Why did he ask Kyouya? He had probably imagined it, having been by kissed Renge before and then wondering why she had done it. So embarrassing, _so humiliating…_

And there was no way to go back and ask for the answer.

After storming out of the café, Renge had followed him, pleading for forgiveness. Sure, Kaoru recalled, these were his favourite trousers and mixed with the cotton of silkworms, but to go through such extremes, like kneeling on the floor and clinging to his leg until he stopped and actually listened, was quite another thing!

'Not here!' Kaoru had hissed, desperate to have nobody blame him for that, so they went to a secluded spot with a vending machine no one had thought to stock for three months. It was there that Renge continued to apologise, unloading her guilt to her heart's content. Then, before Kaoru knew it, she was saying that she loved him again, repeating the awkwardness of the karaoke bar, where they had sat side-by-side for some minutes, unable to speak.

And she was staring so softly into his eyes and raising her chin at just the right angle. Like any teenage boy, Kaoru had seconds to think – that was it. And seconds later, they were pulling apart, staring; seeing each other different.

What on earth had he been _thinking? _

Renge nuzzled him in her sleep. This was bad. He was being so cruel. Kaoru didn't love her; he felt nothing remotely that deep. In the interval between kissing and not kissing, one name had come to mind and spurred him on, intent on revenge. That had been a proper kiss. That had probably been both his and her first proper kiss.

And they had wasted it.

Kaoru closed his eyes. _How could he explain…?_ He opened them to the sound of a voice announcing a station, the home of Renge… god, he didn't even know her _surname!_ This was bad. He had to get out of this...

* * *

And he woke with a start, finding himself in a bath of hot water and trying to read a book that was balanced on his face. He whipped the book aside, hurting his eyes in the light. How long had he been in here? And why had Hikaru not come to check up on him? He never locked the bathroom door. What if he had drowned or something?

_Where the hell was his brother?_

'Oh yeah,' he mumbled, sinking back into the water and retrieving his book, a waterproof edition. He squinted at the letters – no success. He dropped the book and let it float.

'BOO!'

Kaoru smiled weakly. 'Nice try.'

'So you're awake then.'

'Looks like it.' Hikaru entered the bathroom wearing a dressing gown that did not belong to– 'Oh ho, whose clothing is that?'

A book hit Kaoru in the head.

'None of your bee's wax, little brother!'

'Be glad I hate that book; you just dented the cover.'

'Back to school soon; you can read all the books you like.'

'Yeah…' murmured Kaoru, dropping another book in the bath and watching them spin and bob around.

Hikaru crouched beside the bathtub, worried. 'What's up?'

'I think you gave me the 'flu.'

'Oh, is that all?' Kaoru smiled, albeit sadly. 'Honestly,' said Hikaru, 'what's up? You haven't been yourself…'

'I've done something terrible.'

'Nothing worse than the past, I hope?'

'No.'

Hikaru waited, but his brother had drifted into his own realm, where not even the closest twin could hope to venture – it hurt to be left outside.

He rose and padded back into the main bathroom and through to the bedroom they both shared. 'Told you,' he said to Haruhi, whom he found smoothing out wrinkles on the covers of his bed. 'He's been in there for hours with his waterproof library.'

'Is he poorly?' she asked.

Hikaru frowned. He didn't think so. It was possible, but Kaoru looked more depressed than ill.

'Just tell everyone he has the 'flu.' Haruhi smiled, placing a hand on top of Hikaru's. 'I've never seen Kaoru so down before,' he muttered. 'I'm really worried about him.'

'It's probably to do with Kyouya,' she said.

'With _Kyouya? _What the hell's he done to Kaoru?'

'Calm down, I was just saying that things haven't been right since… You do know what Kaoru meant to Kyouya, right?'

'Not really. Kyouya and I don't talk like that.'

'Well, Kaoru meant a lot. And I think that Kyouya meant a lot as well.' Slowly, Haruhi looked up. 'We should help them,' she said.

'Why? We'd only make matters worse.'

'You want Kaoru to be happy, right?'

'Yes, but–' Hikaru checked the bathroom door, as if Kaoru might be listening. 'But Kyouya tried to tear us apart. I don't think I can trust him.'

'It's not about whether you can trust him or not, Hikaru: this is Kaoru's happiness and Kaoru's trust. As long as Kaoru feels he can trust Kyouya and be happy with him, that's the important thing.'

Silence.

'It's difficult,' said Hikaru. 'I can't do it…'

'Hikaru…'

'…For one thing, Renge scares me.'

Haruhi laughed.

'Why does she scare you?' Kaoru was standing in the doorframe, toothbrush in hand and reading a waterproof book. 'Well?' he said.

'She pops out of nowhere. She makes me jump.'

'And your reason, Haruhi?'

'She doesn't scare me, Kaoru.'

'Good.' He started brushing his teeth and returned to the bathroom.

Hikaru and Haruhi exchanged glances; only when Haruhi had gone did Hikaru lose his temper. 'And what was _that?'_ he demanded.

'I'm not in the mood,' replied Kaoru, climbing into bed.

Hikaru strode across the room and stopped him. 'Well I am and I want to you to apologise! That was no way to speak to Haruhi!'

'And that was no way to speak about Renge!'

'Don't give me that bullshit! You don't even _like_ her!'

_SNAP._

Hikaru touched his lip; Kaoru saw the blood.

'Hikaru, I–'

'Goodnight, Kaoru.'

Hikaru turned.

The lights went out.

* * *

On the day he met Kyouya, Kaoru was certain of nothing. He knew not what he felt nor understood what was so acceptable in that deep and meaningful stare. In the shadows of a karaoke bar, the lips of one had pressed themselves to those of another, and for the briefest of times, the two felt at peace, equal and limitless, unconcerned with the rest of the world. They shone as bright as the lights of the city and sensed more of its turmoil than the smallest of ants. In that unusual kiss they knew the end of the universe as well as its beginning, and when lips parted and eyes refused to meet, one of them realised how important he was, and that somehow, they must continue.

Some distance from the café, feeling a mixture of anger and resentment, Kaoru had sought the department store for a toilet where he could dry his trousers and evade the affections of a girl known as Renge. She was alright, he would admit, as a classmate and acquaintance, but the seriousness of her confession, in that dark and dazzling room, stirred emotions next to nothing in the pit of his heart. That light kiss on the cheek resembled no more than a flower shedding its petals one by one or the branch of a tree reaching up for the sky. He felt nothing for her, and he would have been sorry, except he knew there were feelings out there that were not quite as hopeless.

Did he kiss Renge, as seen from the perspective of Kyouya? Was the gap between his mouth and hers really that short?

Kaoru would have frowned and said, 'You've gone mad!'

Kiss Renge?

_Him?_

No way!

'You love someone else – is that the reason?' Perhaps, spoke the look on his face and the disappointment on hers. 'I guess I should have known: if one twin is one way, then so is the other.'

He asked her what she meant.

She said, 'Haruhi and Hikaru – they're going out, aren't they?'

As far as Kaoru knew: no, they were not.

Dubious, Renge stared. 'You're in love with Kyouya.'

Kaoru laughed – how absurd! Were there no limits to her otaku fantasies?

She leaned closer and smiled, unaware of the meaning, oblivious to Kyouya. 'This is turning out to be the dream of any respectable fan girl,' she confided, folding her handkerchief and slipping it into Kaoru's pocket. 'Should I let it continue and develop into something beautiful? I would have preferred a romance between you and your brother – that would have been the ultimate romance – or the union of Haruhi and Tamaki – I hear that is just as exciting – except I do wonder what the impact would be if I were to become serious and actually like you, instead of just doing this to piss off other people…?'

Kaoru shifted; this was getting very weird.

'I do like you,' said Renge, 'and I would like us to be more than just friends… but that's the thing in this country.' She smiled, strangely annoyed. 'The assertive girls never get the guys, and this is the closest I can get to liking you and wanting you.'

'I… have to go now,' said Kaoru, troubled by these revelations. Renge was not meant to talk this way; he wanted her back to normal, back to being the otaku that popped up out of nowhere with that odd lightning contraption and rotating pedestal. 'Okay…?' he added, and moved to walk past.

Then he ran and didn't stop until he was somewhere far away from her. _Weird,_ he was thinking, _weird!_ No wonder he had no interest in girls! He hadn't found any one of them special, not one for whom he cared for beyond both Hikaru and himself. Yes, he did care for Haruhi, that was true, and he was glad that he did, he was adamant on that, but to care about a girl like Renge, or any girl, for that matter, was wholly foreign, wholly unnatural – he had spent his whole childhood being downright godawful to them!

'Maybe I'm incapable, then, of loving girls,' he mused, and called a chauffeur. Maybe that's why he could like and think of Kyouya and pretend the guy annoyed him, but what of that kiss…

…what did it mean?

Kaoru may never know and he felt ill at the prospect. On a regular basis, people here joked about the love between boys, familiar with its origins and its methods, its highs and lows, but they never wanted it to happen – not for real. Like flirting with Hikaru for the sake of designations, and bordering on incest, just because it was funny and dangerously forbidden, they never wanted it to happen – not for real.

The car arrived. He climbed into it. And the chauffeur, seeing the dejected look on his master's face, understood and drove home in silence.

* * *

'It's a magnificent plan! Whatever do you mean?'

'I mean it won't work – not without chemistry.'

'I'm certain there's chemistry! And here are test tubes to prove it!'

'I'm telling you: we need something else.'

'What are you talking about?'

'Ah, Hunny! Welcome back! And Mori, too! Glad you could make it!'

'We're trying to formulate a plan that will bring Kaoru and Kyouya together, but milord here is suggesting we let sleeping dogs lie.'

'That might work…?'

'Ha! You see, Hikaru? My plan is best!'

'Bee's wax, milord.'

'Are Kyouya and Kaoru coming?'

'No, Kaoru's still sleeping.'

'And so is Kyouya.'

'In the same bed?'

'Do you have the 'flu again, Hunny?'

'No… but where's Haruhi?'

'This is a man's job, a man's quest! She is not a man who is not invited!'

'In other words: you forgot.'

'As would any father!'

'But what's the plan?'

'Well…'

* * *

'And then there were two!' remarked Renge as another army was destroyed in defence of her kingdom. 'This is _sooo_ much fun! I don't know why I never played these games!'

'Yeah…' sighed Haruhi, who had lost for the zillionth time. Without the Host Club, strategy games were the next best thing.

'Reset?'

'Go on, then.'

Haruhi felt prepared. She had studied everything back-to-front, inside-out, topsy-turvy, and there was no way she would fail her subject assessments on Monday, the day school would recommence. _But Renge_, thought Haruhi, smiling again as she lost. The girl had seen more of Japan than the inside of her textbooks, searching, as she was, for the ultimate cosplay experience. She had travelled from Okinawa to Hokkaido, searching, always searching… except the conventions she went to didn't matter and the costumes she bought unimportant. Excuses, they were, just excuses; she was trying to forget about Kaoru Hitachiin.

'He's done it before,' a classmate had consoled her. 'He's even done it to me.' But Renge wouldn't believe it. And Haruhi wouldn't believe it, either. The Kaoru they knew was sensitive and kind – a little mischievous at times, they had to admit – though not as heartless or malicious as the girls were making out.

'People change,' said Haruhi. 'Kaoru is a nicer person.'

Renge stared at the computer screen. 'If you say,' she responded, her gamepad clicking rapidly.

Haruhi lost again. 'Did he explain?' she asked.

'No,' replied Renge. 'I was too busy hitting him.'

_Ah._

They played in silence.

'It's hopeless,' snapped Renge, conceding a win.

'I'm sorry…'

'No! The situation with me and Kaoru! It's hopeless!'

_Evil eyes._

'Wha-wha-what's that look for?' stammered Haruhi.

'_YOU,'_ stormed Renge, 'I _KNEW_ IT.'

'Kn-knew what?'

'If you're in love with Hikaru and Hikaru is in love with you which means the same thing with Kaoru leading me to conclude how Kaoru must be in love with some guy in just the same way you and Hikaru are in love with each other!'

'…what?'

'You're _gay!'_

'Er…'

Renge crushed Haruhi in a hug.

'_CONGRATULATIONS!'_


End file.
